Brothers' Keeper

'Hello, we are not available now'
Hey, uh, I hope you're listening
'Please leave a message after the beep'

I was only eight on the day when
I remember laying on the bed
Lazing away playing the same game
On my second generation PlayStation
When I heard a faint scream coming from the hallway and
I saw my parents on their way to the gate
And Daddy just looked at me straight in the face and said
'Mommy's going through labor today, son'
I could feel my brain start to race and
Then my legs started pacing
Looked at my baby sis and I'm thinking
Ever since then how could there even be another sibling?
There was another baby on the way?
But I wasn't ready for a change yet
They told me to wait but I was scared to be patient
Was Mommy gonna be okay? I was anxious
Fast forward to the hour of your arrival
When I was finally allowed inside the hospital ward
And I saw Daddy smiling and
Mommy looked like she just fought in a war
Exhausted as she was she was still overjoyed
When the doctor walked in with one little boy
On August 23rd, 2004
Mommy always told me that
We don't ever get to choose our family at all
I'll always be Number 1 to the 2 and 3
And who knows? Maybe there'll be a fourth
No excuse that I could afford to make
Or advice that I could ignore
At the end of the day when my parents are gone
These are the kids I'll be responsible for
Then many years later
It seemed that her words from my memory faded
You were still in your early stages
When our family moved away from Malaysia
I became a teenager
I went through a phase where I behaved
Like I had the right to display my rage
Towards anyone I was thinking of aiming at
And I tried to justify my anger
And my violent behavior
As my form of expression being a bullying victim
At school by all those racists
But my mistake was
Never sharing my problems
Or the issues that I was facing
Never brought them up in conversations
And I felt there wasn't anyone in the world
Who could understand my situation
So I used to lock myself in my room all day
And I'd be listening to rap music
And it usually ends with me taking my frustrations
Out on you, kid
And I didn't even stop to think about how you felt
And the truth is
I can't blame you if you don't accept my apology
For the things that I did now
Cause every time you said sorry to me I refused it
Man, I was stupid
Now I'm disgusted to just look back at how abusive
I used to treat you
How did I have the heart to do this?
How can I forget that look on your face confused like
'All I wanted to do was be like you'
But fine, if I ever have a younger brother one day in the future
Guess what? I'm gonna treat him exactly just like you did!'

I know that I'm so far away
And I'm not there beside you
To guide you
But I swear if I could take this all away
Just for one more chance
To start all over again
I've made mistakes
But I found a way to change myself for you

On the third of December
In the winter of 2009
They told me that you were on the way
But the truth was I didn't mind
I was more mature
I told Mom and Dad
'I'm more responsible now'
That's something that I never found
In myself when I was a child
When you came home
I welcomed you with open arms and a smile
I would always read you stories,
Nursery rhymes and poems at night
I spent more time with you then
Than I ever did in my life
Cause I knew
That eventually my days with you would run out
As you grew up, well so did I
But this time I was calm enough not
To shout at you for doing things
That I wouldn't normally allow
Cause I made a vow
To be greater than I was when I was eight
I'm throwing out the anger and angst
I promised to help out our parents
And do the very best that I can
To try raise you, just wait
And whenever you made a mistake
I would always defend you but they
Would always be telling me
'Quit pretending
And being this fake savior
Cause you were just the same as him
When you were his age!'
'So he's got to learn to behave
It's normal to punish him sometimes'
But really who am I to decide
Between what's wrong and what's right?
'Remember that you've got other siblings
Don't you dare put them aside
Stop choosing sides and playing favorites'
I was always walking that line
And all this time
I never realized that your brother
Had kept this feeling inside him from all these years
I could have seen in his eyes, yeah
'Like all of a sudden
There's a change in you now?
Where were you when I needed you?
It's so unfair
Look how you're treating him now!'
Then when I was done with high school
And I had to move out of the house
Go to college for months in a year
And away from you for thousands of miles
Knowing that I
Never fulfilled my promise
And I never got to do my best
And it made me ask myself
'What kind of a big brother am I?'
And that's probably why
I never found that missing piece of my mind
I knew when I said goodbye to you
And there was not a single tear in your eyes
I'd write to you but I'd like to see your replies
But now that I got you here
I want you to hear that
My biggest fear in life is losing you guys
Yes, I'll admit it
I apologize that I took you guys for granted
I cry to myself every night for the times that I put you down
And I regret it
So if I might just take a minute
Of your time before I die and I leave this planet
You better believe when you read these lyrics
I won't need a beep when I leave this message
Please just listen
I'm losing out on my sleep and I'm weak
And I need your strength
Just to keep me from beating myself
And I mean every word I speak
Till the beat is finished!

But I'll always be my brothers' keeper
I know that I'm so far away
To start all over again
I've made mistakes
But I found a way to change myself for you

I'm sorry that I'm not always
There when you need me to be
I'm sorry I kept you waiting
I kept you waiting for me

I know that I'm so far away
And I'm not there beside you
To guide you
But I swear if I could take this all away
Just for one more chance (I'm sorry I kept you waiting for me)
To start all over again
I've made mistakes
But I found a way to change myself for you