Survivors Guilt

Thought the worst of it was done n finished
I mean, I had to man up no time to be timid
Look, I had to keep my head up for my family
The man in me had to be a leader das what I plan to be
Losing my Pops, it turned me into a loner
Gotta get my lessons finished so I get my diploma But Look
All I wanted to do was make my nigga proud
Almost dropped out, it was shit I gotta figure out
Jus a young lil nigga, in the streets heavy
Jumpin off the porch cause you know a nigga steady
On the grind, my momma was always mad at me
It felt like all dat paper helped a nigga wit the Agony
Tragedy, it's all I knew, on my way up to the school
Grounds at a different school now, dont know what to do wow
Shit was overwhelming everything gon get better
Wit time das the lie these people feel they gotta tell me

Shit was so different
Everything changed so quick
My whole world got flipped upside down
We was fucked up we aint know where to go,
What we was gonna do next
Shit was crazy

Jus me, my 3 brothers n mom dukes
Struggling to keep afloat, what she gon do
So much stress n anxiety what she goin through
Try to stay strong, but my emotions be showing through
My brother Chris gotta alcohol problem
Killin his liver everyday, really wish I could stop him, but look
He ain't gon listen to what his lil brother say
Shit be so clear n vivid feel like the other day
Stomach problems he was diagnosed wit the Crohns
What made it worse was dat mother fuckin alcohol
He was young so I thought dat he would be okay
In and out the hospital like every other day
Had a surgery scheduled a couple years back
Goin under the knife, know he ain't like dat
Will he make it through dis one, its fight or flight
Up at the clinic scared dat my nigga gon die tonight

All these family members coming in from outta state
I knew it was all bad
Jus cant get that image out my mind
Seen him hooked up to all these machines
Everybody up there, praying, hopin

30 Days up in the ICU
Doctor say he doin better he gon make it thru
Dat was a lie my brother was really gettin worse
I couldnt fathom seein my nigga up in a hearse
We gotta call we need to head up to the hospital
Everybody in the room, even the doctor too
Said he had sum bad news, he ain't gon make it through
Septic poison in his blood, what he gon do
I was caught off guard, couldn't accept it
What's next I dont know what to expect shit
Furious I walked away, them tears building up
Nothing more they could do, so they pulled the plug
I will never forget the look on my mother's face
She held my brothers head gently as he passed away
Nothin to say, everybody in a state of shock
He took my brother even though we all prayed alot

Lost a lot of faith in my heart, what can I say
So angry and lost, my mind it went astray
His only son lookin down his father dead
Shirt soaked like a pail of water on his head
We stayed with his body for hours till it went cold
Jus like my heart in February when the wind blows
It was a long drive home, fuzzy my mental
We ain't say a word, staring out the window

After Chris passed, my family broken
Seem like my mind went back in time, feelin hopeless
Feel like the world stopped spinning, grind to a halt
I know I Coulda done more to help, was it my fault
My oldest brother Steve, he took it the hardest
Always spending all his time, in a bar shit
How could I help my nigga heal when I'm hurt myself
Mind racing everyday over the Guilt I felt
I slowly watched my brother go off of the deep end
Burning all of his bridges like he dont need friends
It hurt to see a nigga dat strong be in dat state
My brothers eyes never looked the same after dat day
He was a whole different person stuck in his head
Suicidal tendencies, wanted to be dead
Constantly wit my nigga, and I was kinda scared
Dat he would do something in the moment that he'd regret
Yeah my stress n anxiety, it was through the roof
But that was nothin compared to what he was goin through
I had to focus on dis music, shit was full time
Started seein him less, cause it was school time
He was tired of dis life, tired of dis shit
He decided he'd be better wit Chris
I ain't understand, seem like he was gettin better
Till he took his own life, left us no letter