Master of the House - Live

(Oh! Oh! Woken up finally, have ya?)
Oh, wind your neck in you popswidden trollop
(Oh, shut up, you syphilitic old sod!)
Drop dead!

Welcome, Monsieur
Sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town

As for the rest
All of them crooks
Rooking their guests
And cooking the books
Oh, it's terrible I tell ya!

Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be

Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale
Makes a little stir
Well, customers appreciate a bon viveur

Glad to do a friend a favor
Well, it doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price

Master of the house
Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine
Making up the weight
Picking up their knickknacks when they can't see straight

Everybody loves the landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus, won't I bleed 'em in the end?

Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and life-long mate

Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone
But lock up your valises
Jesus, won't I skin you to the bone?

Ay-ay, here's one
Enter, Monsieur
Lay down your load
Unlace your boots
And rest from the road

This weighs a ton
Travel's a curse
But here we strive
To lighten your purse

Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked
'Til I'm satisfied

Food beyond compare
Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse
Liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that

Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied (you'll be lucky!)
Reasonable charges plus some little extras on the side

Charge 'em for the lice
Extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice
There a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut

When it comes to fixing prices
There are lots of tricks he knows
How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
Jesus, it's amazing how it grows

Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passerby to pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, and life-long mate

Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got
Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus, what a sorry little lot

(What you looking at?)
I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?

Master of the house
Isn't worth my spit
Comforter, philosopher, and life-long shit
Cunning little brain
Regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there

What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted, living with this bastard in the house!

Master of the house
(Master and a half!)
Comforter, philosopher
(Don't make me laugh)
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
(Hypocrite and toady and inebriate)

Everybody bless the landlord
Everybody bless his spouse

Everybody raise a glass
Raise it up the master's ass! (Hey!)
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!