Fear of Happiness

I know I'm not alright
And I don't know if I can change
My mind doesn't work
Like it used to

I based all of my life
In loneliness and pain
So if I lose sadness
It's like

Leaving me
Or killing me
Forgetting me
Oh no

I know I have a
Severe fear of happiness
It's something that I create and has
Fucked my life

Troubles at sleeping
Or trying to stay still
Anxiety that leaves me
When blood comes out

The drugs to kill my brain
Have no effect anymore
I pursue pleasures
I can't reach

Life became
A senseless
Huge void
Oh no

I know I have a
Severe fear of happiness
It's something that I create and now it's
Part of me

And when the sun goes down
And the night paints the sky
I always wish this might be
My last day

The idea that I have become
Unknown to everyone I used to love
It's starting to mess with
My head

There goes another night
In silence
Staring at the city that
Makes me feel alone

What's the point in trying to find
Happiness
If at the end all goes back to
Emptiness

There goes another night
In silence
Staring at the city that
Makes me feel alone

When will I
Finally, slit my throat
Burn this place
And sing my final song?

When will I
Finally, slit my throat
Burn this place
And sing my final song?

I hear voices moving around my head
They're planting doubts about me
There's a part of night where I can't even
Recognize myself anymore

Shut up
Go away
Shut up
Oh fuck

I hear someone laughing at me
A creature I have let in
Through this window, I see the people I loved and
They're laughing without me

Oh no
Shut up
Fuck you
Throw me

I'm standing alone
With a burnout brain
Dressed like the night
That became my life

Every day repeating habits
That slowly destroyed me
Wondering if a bullet or a drug
Might end this pain?

This place I'm standing,
Was because of me?
Or it was everyone
Else's fault?

'Cause let me ask myself
If it's my fault?
If I think about the story again
I don't look so bad

I tried to find a meaning
In this cold world
And when I went to
Search my happiness

I didn't know I was
Pushing everyone away
Who would say?
That my happiness bothered them

I'm tired of thinking about it
If I'm the bad one I don't care
And if I'm the victim
I simply don't care

I'm lost
In my thoughts
Ideas collide
And reason disappears

I don't want
Nothing from you
I'm tired of the same traps
Created by people

Can't see
Any sense
In sharing love
Or sharing my time

Alone again
And emptiness persists
I wish I could
Disappear completely

I'm now sure
I will hug
The idea
I've been running from

A thought bursts in my head
I won't look back on my life
The record keeps spinning
But I am awake this time

I saw the face of my fears
I have met every ghost I can be
I have seen the people I love driving away
I'm all alone and the pain isn't gone