FIXXXED (Theatre Original Soundtrack)

Once upon a daytime dreary
While I pondered, weak and weary
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore
On a one-way street I chanced upon a departmental store
With a display window decked all dandy and nice
But the first thing I saw when I opened the door
Was a placard saying: "No Bargaining. Fixed Price"

Only looking not shopping, what it sells let me see
The shelves were filled with religious artifacts sundry
From all around the world, even snake-oil from Tibet
A ventriloquist's dummy, a levitating electromagnet
A jar of Jack o' lantern, indulgences on tortoise shell
Taboos and totems too, a scrotal testimonial, well, well
Semitic same differences and a clutch of Hindu cults
Gargoyles golems in bubble wraps, insulated from insults
A cargo cult curio, another from a cult not born yet
Spoiled for choice, what should I get

All grotesquely wonderful, my curiosity was piqued
A few items took my fancy, those items I picked
To look at the price tags as I turned them around
Man, did my jaw fall right down to the ground
Each price tag had conditions insane to the core
Saying, if I buy this product, I can buy no more
The price "Your soul becomes our eternal whore"
Such a huge price, I couldn't believe my eyes
The payments don't stop even after one dies

This is so retarded, I wanted to be doubly sure
I turned therefore to the keeper of the store

I said, "O kind Sir, religions come a dime a dozen
Why charge a ton for each single one
Is it because if I have one, I cannot have another
Does that make an item rare, though quite similar
Is the shape of each mundane mould patented
Though it is the same old wine reinvented
A monopoly of ordinariness lapped up by most
A monotonous drone resounding from coast to coast
A pettiness that makes ordinary men special
A unique pass through one of the billion doors of hell
A mass-produced commodity in a limited edition
Not worth the basket it comes in is organised religion"

The storekeeper smugly smiled, chewing on some dates
"The older gets the wine, the more its value appreciates"
Mealy-mouthed he said that, ignoring all the rest
I thought that may be explaining myself would be best

I said, "But Sir, if I buy one, others to me become bad
I don't want that, Sir, all others should be had
If I buy a lifetime subscription, that's all very well
But like a dual SIM in mobile, I want others as well
It is so unfair to keep others out of reach
Why can't I choose features, take good from each
Sir, haven't you ever of group discount heard
Why can't I choose features, take good from each
Sir, haven't you ever of group discount heard
What is with this prickly package deal, this is so weird
Why are the conditions here so very hard set
Sir, I am willing to pay extra, for all I can get
For all I can get"

The keeper replied in a robotic text-to-speech voice
"One offer cannot be clubbed with another; it is your choice"

I said, "Choice, huh! What if I don't want a part of what I buy"
He said, "Parts not to be sold individually; it is that or goodbye"

I said, "What about a product demo, to see how is your Heaven"
He said, "Customer satisfaction guaranteed. That is a pre-given"

I said, "What about a return policy, if the product I don't like"
He said, "It is a one-way street, my fellow, go take a hike"

I said, I said
"Do you recover the cost of establishment in each item you sell
Including the cost of running the air conditioners
In heaven and in hell
The rental and mental costs and the annexe cost too
For the Original Sin I never committed, pay I have to do
But isn't cost extracted after the balance sheet is prepared
In the after-world, Sir, and in this life spared"

He said, "Man proposes and god disposes, that's clear as day
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away
But worry not, my fellow, I will throw you in a good deal
Here, the Holy Ghost free with Jesus, now that is a steal
It comes batteries-included with an instruction manual free
Attractive is not this offer, c'mon, don't tell me"

I said, "If it is really free, Sir, why a surcharge for that
To sell your dirty old camel, you throw in a dead cat
And say, 'Oh, the cat is expensive, but the camel is free'
Sir, I do really hope you are getting my analogy
Now, I don't want that old god, I just want Jesus cheap
Are you getting me, Sir, or is this getting too deep
Do I have to cover the losses that god lost at dice
Is Christ-shaped mold the best thing since a bread slice"

The storekeeper was now angry, at me he did shout
"If you do not want to buy, why don't you just get out
But wait! You will be charged for even entering this store
Apostate! I sure am going to bill you on that very score
Didn't you read the placard 'No bargaining, fixed price'
If you have no money, a pound of flesh will suffice
Genital mutilation can also cover some of our charges
That's usually what is paid by anyone who here barges"

I changed my tack, for a way out I sought
But I had no intention to pay for what I had not bought

I said, "Don't get mad, kind Sir, I am still looking
I am sure to find something here that's worth booking
But at a time when only the best can do, pray tell me
Isn't it time to bid goodbye to ancient mediocrity"

"I told you about the older wine," the keeper curtly said
But he was starting to sweat, his face was getting red

I said, "You want to hard sell me your unwanted old god
Sundays I buy my religion-of-the-week on Subhash Road
I judge the book by its cover, I judge
I judge
I judge a book by its author, I judge
I judge
I judge a book by how much I enjoy it, I enjoy
Now I can see through your preposterous ploy
You sell your books in an opaque cover sealed
For you want its crappy contents concealed
You want me to sign the cheque before I even check
And with so many strings attached? What the heck
No, sirree, I most certainly will not pay the price
I'll sign no bloody contract with this Christ heist
At the flea market I can get all this stuff cheap
There I've better choice, so bye-bye, you creep"

The keeper suddenly had my throat like in a vice
"No bargaining," he snarled. "Now pay the price"
A mob gathered around me and threw me out on my arse
They said, "That we didn't kill you, thank your lucky stars"

Once upon a daytime dreary
I wandered back home, weak and weary
After I picked myself up back on my feet
From outside the departmental store on the one-way street
Pondering over many a quaint and curious volume of unforgotten lore
Saying to myself to enter that store, nevermore, nevermore

Nevermore

I heard so famous is that darn departmental store
Customers are queuing up to it from shore to shore
The shop is as respectable as Coca-Cola's wealth
Full of fluster and fizz, and more harmful to health
And do the customers have complaints? Alas, nay
For here is what the customers have to say

"Who needs choice, we want to take no chances
Actually we are smart, so don't call us dunces
We choose just once, we don't have to choose again
You know, making choices is such a big pain
We don't want no headaches, we don't want to haggle
Shut up about evolution and grab another bagel
Who has time for all that, we're all dying anyway
We are busy making hay praying all the day
This store has billions of customers satisfied worldwide
So many people can't be wrong is why we take their side
It is as much a part of life, as blood and unleavened bread
As essential as a pilgrimage to Mecca, this heavenly cred
In the Promised Land we purchased some real estate
A nice piece of Heaven gifted to us at a fixed rate
Of interest that will be higher, though subprime
Than the floating interest rate prevalent at any given time
Now you buy it cheap, tomorrow you are in it deep
We pay through our noses so we can peacefully sleep
We want to stay insured against our jealous god
There is no risk involved in fearing the heaven's rod
Except if it turns out that the wrong deity we worshipped
But at least our families in hell will be jointly whipped
And who cares about other deities, we've duties to worry about
Such as the ritualistic maintenance of the thing that we got
We agreed to a price, but payments never stop
Festivals are lavish though locusts got the crop
We are willing slaves to this convenient commodity
With the Profiteers of Prophets, we gladly sign the AMC
After-sales service can be heaven or pure piracy
You have got to give it to them for transparency
We do what we are told, we are servile with bold pride
It gives a purpose to our lives, thinking makes us tired
We trust God because He does not play any dice
Tho' He acts mysterious, but that's covered in the price
His love is unconditional, with many conditions applied
At least He is all good, it is written in the user guide
His love is unconditional, with many conditions applied
At least He is all good, it is written in the user guide
At least He is all good, it is written in the user guide"

All I can tell them is, yeah, sure, somebody you got to serve
But as is said in advertising, customers get what they deserve

All I can tell them is, yeah, sure, somebody you got to serve
But as is said in advertising, customers get what they deserve

But as is said in advertising, customers get what

But as is said in advertising, customers get what

"Thinking makes us tired
We trust God because He does not play any dice
Tho' He acts mysterious, but..."