The Michael Howard Song

When looking at the post of Leader of the Opposition
Michael Howard doesn't seem ideal for the position
It's clear of all the candidates potentially selectable
The Tory party chose someone completely unelectable
He's surely going to be the next Conservative fatality
For nobody can stomach his obnoxious personality
But more than this the reason why his leadership's a farce
Is that Michael Howard's face
Looks like
An arse
His face is like a bottom, like a bum, an underside
Like two great big buttcheeks to his neck have been applied
A tusher seated underneath a stern, a rump, a rear
A pair of buttocks clenched into a smear
Did the Tories not consider that they'd only cause dismay
To see a public arsehole so frequently on display
Perhaps to them he looks just like an ordinary bloke
Or maybe they just thought that it would be a splendid joke
To see him beaming out at all those Labour sycophants
As if the whole damn party had got up and dropped its pants
It's probably the closest that they'll get to mooning Blair
Because Howard's face looks like a derriere
Like hindquarters, a posterior, a fundament's exterior
Which midway through debate, looks like it's going to defecate
And the voters won't be smitten by a face designed to sicken
And whatever could he gain us when his mouth looks like an anus
If there's something of a night about it, clearly it's the moon
Some others have this problem, look for instance at Geoff Hoon
If you stood him with Ann Widdecombe, they'd almost pass for twins
Because where her neck gives out, her arse begins
An arse-shaped face must be a terrible affliction
It must have quite nasty repercussions on your diction
You're not in a position to be taken seriously
And you may these people all deserve our sympathy
But there aren't many of them and when you examine who
It's clear that arsefaced people are all utter arseholes too
In view of this it's clear why Howard's got the face he's got
Because he's the biggest arsehole of the lot
It's a bottom, it's a bottom, it's a bottom not a face
It's a bottom, it's an arsehole, it's a bum a butter base
In a way it is a shame that's what you'll think of when you vote
Because Tony Blair's been acting like a scrote
He's been acting like a scrotum like a pair of testicles
His decisions have been bollocks and he talks a load of balls
The aisle they sit right opposite and lends a touch of class
Because every pair of bollocks needs an ass