Poems

I believe there is nothing more manly one can do
Than take a shower with 5 other guys
It's true, it's not a joke its early cavemen
You know
Cromagnum wandering through the fog
You know
Scrubbing 5 other sapians, no homo

I wanna do a poem for you, some poems for you
Right now, I've got chimes

Oh, a genie just came
Alright
Umm...

Now that we're halfway through the show
I'd like to sort of to take the umm...
The pressure of you, the audience, and just read some serious poetry
Then we'll kinda go back to the giggles
This is from my book, "Egghead", that some of you may already have
Or something, so I won't keep it too long
In case, you know, some of you have heard this stuff
But, uhh...
Just sit back and enjoy, uh, this, uh, poetry

"Roses are grey
Violets are a different shade of grey
Let's go chase cars."
That's by a dog

This is a poem about women's bodies
And the ability to transform your body issues, and transcend them
"Martha was ugly like a shaved baboon
So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon
And after a week, she finally emerged
She smelled like shit. What a psycho."
You can't transcend them, I guess that's the... moral

"Me, with my strange choice of adjectives
You, with your muscular teeth
And your clockwise vagina"

"You're incomparable, like a..."
Yeah, that's the word...

"I wanna beat you to death with a blunt object!
I wanna grab one of those high-end fashion
Mannequins by the ankles and bash your rib cage in!
I wanna sharpen 50 pencils
Bind them with a rubber band
Stick the lead ends in your mouth and punch the erasers!
I wanna strap you to a bed of nails
Then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car
So I can watch you suffer as we drive over the speed bumps
In a mall parking lot during an earthquake!
I want you to somehow survive a terrible car crash and somehow
Not survive a small fender-bender on the way back from the hospital"
That's called "Dad"

"If I had a million dollars, I'd pay your mother to have sex with me
Afterwards, I'd invest in the remaining $999,990"
$10 for sex with your mother!
Comedy!

I can see the light on your face, bitch! Stop texting!
Umm...
It's just a comment for someone in the crowd...
It's your time, do what you want
And the texting won't show on the CD
So, that's okay
Now look what I've done

And finally...
"Mid-October with leaves spilled like colored pencil shavings
The streets dicing our town into neat unfair portions
And me...
Eating that pussy, baby..."

Thank you so mu-

Ohh man...
Thank you guys so much
Thank you for being a part of this, coming to the show, uh...
(Woo!)

I just need one person's enthusiasm, that's all I need to carry it
"Oh, ow! I'm turned on and hurt!"
Um, I, so...
I-I-I-I-I am so grateful to you coming here
I know I keep saying that
It sounds redundant, but, uh...
My gratefulness is redundant
So, um...