All I Wanna Do Is Play Cards

Well, I guess I really oughta' be makin'
Up songs but all I wanna do is play cards
I know it's dumb and sick and wrong but all I wanna do is play cards
I got the studio booked in Tennessee
And my record producer's callin' me
The tape will roll in just three weeks, and all I wanna do is play cards

They wanna book the band for a rodeo dance, and all I wanna do is play cards
The contract claims they got five grand, but all I wanna do is play cards
My agent says we oughta take the show
But to tell you the truth I don't wanna go
There's a real good game of split high-low, and all I wanna do is play cards

Crib and guts and stook and gin and stud and cowboy pitch
Blackjack, eight or better, hold 'em, draw, and chase the bitch
Acey deucy, never loosey, hearts and black mariah
Smear and low Chicago, man, the stakes keep gettin' higher

Well, I could skate for free in the hockey league, but all I wanna do is play cards
Tattooed young dark haired girls call me, and all I wanna do is play cards

There's famous people'd like to write with me
And the beer at the Black Dog's usually free
The whole damn world's an oyster to me, and all I wanna do is play cards

We're on the radio in El Paso, and all I wanna do is play cards
Finally got a little bit of press and T.O., and all I wanna do is play cards
They're buying the records out in Amsterdam
There's rock tours booked in far-off lands
But I'm feelin' kinda gambley, and all I wanna do is play cards

Crib and guts and stook and gin and stud and racehorse pitch
Blackjack, eight or better, hold 'em, draw, and chase the bitch
Acey deucy, never loosey, hearts and black mariah
Smear and low Chicago, man, the stakes keep gettin' higher

Get on, boys!

I don't see much of my friends these days 'cause all I wanna do is play cards
Except Whitey and Gravy
They like a game, and all I wanna do is play cards
My neighbor Brent says I got a problem
But he don't know 'cause nobody taught him
To bet the best when you know you got 'em
And all I wanna do is play cards

Crib and guts and stook and gin and stud and cowboy pitch
Blackjack, eight or better, hold 'em, draw, and chase the bitch
Acey deucy, never loosey, hearts and black mariah
Smear and low Chicago, man, the stakes keep gettin' higher

Contract bridge and spades and whist and kings; little ones!
Canasta, hearts and spite and malice, kings; make little ones!
Whores and fours and one-eyed bores,
House rules that ain't acknowledged
And them games you learned at vet school and at agriculture college

Chinese rummy, Greek manila, Omaha, Dutch chase
Start 'em when they're young with fish and war and crazy eights
Twenty-one and thirty-one and seven twenty seven
Well if I don't play for money, hon, will I still get to heaven?

Three card brag, three card monte, razz and deuce to seven
Melding sets and red dog bets and counting cards with Kevin
Between the sheets and screw your neighbor, let it ride, strip poker
Old man on the corner, playin' pinochle with your girl, hey!