Pirelli's Miracle Elixir

Ladies and Gentlemen!
May I have your attention please?
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
Wot ought not to be there?
Well, ladies and gentlemen
From now on you can waken at ease
You need never again have a worry or care
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare
Gentlemen, you are about to see something wot rose
From the dead!
On the top of my head

Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen
I was struck with a horrible dermatologic disease
Though the finest physicians in London were called
I awakened one morning amazed and appalled
To discover with dread that my head was as bald
As a novice's knees!
I was dying of shame
Till a gentleman came
An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name
He give me a liquid as precious as gold
I rubbed it in daily like wot I was told
And behold!
Only thirty days old!

'Twas Pirelli's
Miracle elixir
That's what did the trick, sir
True, sir, true
Was it quick, sir?
Did it in a tick, sir
Just like an elixir
Ought to do!

How about a bottle, mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed

Penny buys a bottle, I don't know (Go ahead and tug, sir)
You don't need (Go ahead, sir, harder)
Ah, let's go

Does Pirelli's
Stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath, sir
'Tis unique
Rub a minute
Stimulatin', in'it?
Soon you'll have to thin it
Once a week!

Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed
Penny buys a bottle, might as well (How about a sample?)

Gently dab it
Gets to be a habit
Soon there'll be enough, sir
Somebody can grab it
See this chap with
Hair like Shelley's?
You can tell 'e's
Used Pirelli's!

Let me have a bottle
Make that two!

Pardon me, ma'm, what's that awful stink?
Are we standing near an open trench?

Buy Pirelli's
Miracle elixir
Anything wot's slick, sir
Soon sprouts curls
Try Pirelli's
When they see how thick, sir
You can have your pick, sir
Of the girls!

Wanna buy a bottle, missus? (What is this? What is this?)
Penny for a bottle (Smells like piss. Smells like - phew!)
He says it smells like piss (Looks like piss)
This is piss. Piss with ink
Let me smell that bottle
I don't want no ink piss! (Never mind that madman, mister!)
Give us back our money!

Where is this Pirelli?
Yeah, where is this Pirelli?

Let Pirelli's
Activate your roots, sir
Keep it off your boots, sir
Eats right through (Go and get Pirelli!)
Yes, get Pirelli's!
Use a bottle of it
Ladies seem to love it—
Flies do, too!

Hand the bloody money over
Hand the bloody money over
See Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
Grow a little wick, sir
Then some fuzz
See, Pirelli's
Soon'll make it thick, sir
Like a good elixir
Always does!
Trust Pirelli's
If your hair is sick, sir
Fix it in the nick, sir
Don't look grim
Just Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
That'll do the trick, sir—
What about the money?
If you got a kick, sir
What about the money?
Where is this Pirelli?
Go and get Pirelli!
What about our money?

Talk to him!