Obsession

It only does this because I let it
And it only takes control because I feed it
And after giving in for the hundredth time today, I feel as if I need it
I know it's just thoughts running through my head
But it feels so real
It feels like you and me
It's like a helpless disease of the mind
That deteriorates and eats at my thoughts
Poisoning every thought and image
And making them one of it's own

Everytime I try to overcome, I succumb
Giving in to the thoughts holding me captive
The thoughts that define me in all that I am
It feels surreal wondering if I'd be better off dead. But is it real? Is what should be asked instead
It's been 15 years that I've held on to this question
15 years that it's consumed me with it's haunted remark
All along feels that I've been shooting blanks in the dark
Seeking answers to questions I can't even comprehend
And somedays... somedays!
I wonder if this is it
If this is all I'll ever amount to
If this is all that I'm supposed to be

It's a dark feeling that eats away at all
happiness from avoiding all of your fears
A feeling that tears down all those walls
that you've been building up over the years
Those walls that made you feel safe in your head
As if nothing could possibly go wrong
But you always knew that they would fall,
All along

Everytime I try to make this right
It loops itself again and in the end I'm the one to blame
Like having a conscience, but yet feeling no shame
It's a delusional hold on the mind
That recreates those past horrors that you've been running from
Once lost, but not forgotten
It takes years of trial and error
And even then you may not reach a definite end
It's a disease that changes how you think
Changing what you think is rash and how you react and makes you seem different when you try to interact
And makes it impossible to ever go back to the expression of normal
Or how it used to be
Because how it used to be... has gotten so far... away from me

Just like those memories of you and me
I swear we could lay there for hours
And do nothing but talk about the past
And life to come
Not once filled with a dull moment
And now I just want to know what's running through that head of yours
Maybe I can overthink my way in and know exactly how you feel
Or if you thought for even one second that what we had was real
I know I've never been the same since that time
It's like this contagion of the mind
fears you or I finally can ignore it
No matter the reasoning, I just want to control it
But honestly, I don't know if I can
It's like I've let the devil wrap himself around me
I've been filled with more fear going down
than I ever have in the surface
I try not to be scared or nervous
But I think I've just come to terms with my purpose