Catalogue Woman

When I was young and pretty I never could decide
Which fella was the fella I should marry
And when I come to 30 and still was not a bride
My pappy got a little arbitrary.
He took things into his own hands without consulting me
Though Mammy dear almost had a conniption.
He sent my picture to a matrimonial agency
Along with a flattering description.

Catalogue Woman, that's how they know me
Out in Missouri and Oklahomey
There's lots worse things a gal can be
Than a Catalogue Woman

Right soon there came a letter, written mighty fine
From a fella with a homestead in Missouri
He sounded so much better than any friend of mine
Couldn't think t'was all quite hunky dory

He had a thousand acres, chickens, sheep. and cows
What he needed was a woman on the place
He 'llowed as how he'd like a gal like me to be his spouse
And how he'd like to meet me face to face

Catalogue Woman, that's how they know me
Out in Missouri and Oklahomey
There's lots worse things a gal can be
Than a Catalogue Woman

So went out to Missouri and found the man who'd wrote
He was even better than the letter stated
He was big and strong as fury and the heart beneath his coat
Was solid gold it wasn't even plated.

He said I was as welcome as a rainbow in a fog
And he made it known I was not to be taunted
He said that he was proud he got me from a catalogue
That way a man could order what he wanted

Catalogue Woman, that's how they know me
Out in Missouri and Oklahomey
There's lots worse things a gal can be
Than a Catalogue Woman

So now I have a carriage and hanging on the line
Are seven cotton petticoats each Monday
There couldn't be a marriage any happier than mine
And Preacher comes to dine most every Sunday

And if sometimes, in sewing circle, ladies congregate
And whisper things in back of the portieres
I manage to get in a light where I can agitate
The diamonds that are hanging in my ears.

Catalogue Woman, that's how they know me
Out in Missouri and Oklahomey
There's lots worse things a gal can be
Than a Catalogue Woman