The Great Historical Bum (The Bragging Song)

I was born about ten thousand years ago
There ain't nothin' in this world that I don't know
I saw Peter, Paul and Moses playing ring-around-the-roses
And I'll whup the guy what says it isn't so

Well I'm just a lonesome traveler, a great historical bum
Highly educated, through history I have come
I built the Rock of Ages, it was in the year of One
And that's about the biggest thing that man has ever done

I saw Adam and Eve a-driven from the door
I'm the guy that pick the fig leaves that they wore
And from behind the bushes peeping, saw the apple they were eating
And I'll swear that I'm the one that ate the core

Now, I built the Garden of Eden, it was in the year of Two
Joined the Apple Pickers Union, and I always paid my due
I'm the man that signed the contract to raise the Rising Sun
And that's about the biggest thing that man has ever done

I taught Samson how to use his mighty hand
I showed Columbus to this happy land
And for Pharaoh's little kiddies I built all the pyramiddies
And to the Sahara carried all the sand

Now, I was straw boss on the pyramids, and the Tower of Babel too
I opened up the ocean, let the migrant children through
I fought a million battles and I never lost a one
And that's about the biggest thing that man has ever done

I taught Solomon his little A-B-C's
I'm the first one that ate Limburger cheese
And while floating down the bay with Methuselah one day
I saw his whiskers floating in the breeze

Now, I fought the Revolution that set this country free
It was me and a couple of Indians that dumped the Boston tea
I won the battle of Valley Forge and the battle of Bully Run
And that's about the biggest thing that men has ever done

Well, Queen Elizabeth, she fell in love with me
We were married in Milwaukee secretly
But I got tired and shook her and ran off with General Hooker
To go shooting skeeters down in Tennessee

I was born about ten thousand years ago
There ain't nothin' in this world that I don't know
I saw Peter, Paul and Moses playing ring-around-the-roses
And I'll whup the guy what says it isn't so

Well I'm just a lonesome traveler, a great historical bum
Highly educated, through history I have come
I built the Rock of Ages, it was in the year of One
And that's about the biggest thing Man has ever done