White

Wow, thank you
Believe it or not, that gets old
It is great to be here in America, oh yeah
The greatest country in the world, if you haven't traveled a lot
Do we have to constantly scream we're number one?
It's always the people who live in the most boring parts of this country that scream the loudest
People in Kansas, "We're the greatest country in the world"
It's like, do you guys have internet there?
Have you ever seen a photo of Fiji?
I've never been to Fiji but I've seen photos it looks pretty amazing
It's hard to think we're better than that

We're top 10
Maybe if we started screaming that every day
Maybe terrorists would stop trying to saw our heads off
"We're top 10", then they'd be like "That's fair"
It was that number one stuff that was getting old

America has basically turned into one of these factories where we just have a sign-up
Like It's been twenty-two days since our last horrible thing
Then it's like "Alright rip it down, we're back at 0 again"

These things just keep happening
You know, whether its Ferguson or Baltimore
I can solve racist cops, that's an easy fix
But nobody comes to me for the answers
You wanna get rid of that forever?
How about this, only black people should be allowed to be cops
Boom, problem solved
And if any of you have issue with this, it's because you're racist

Well, what about white people?
White people can be firefighters
We're more outdoorsy, makes sense
White people firefighters, black people cops
Who wants tickets to the softball game now?
Yeah, it's gonna get pretty tense, might wanna put in a mercy rule

And the next time we have one of these tragedies, inevitably we will
And you have to be so unfortunate enough to know the person that's being accused of the crime
Do us all a favor, and don't get on TV the next day and be like
"I lived next to him for 32 years, I never could've seen this coming"
Maybe you should be locked up for six months
I find nothing more disrespectful, you never could've seen it coming
I've never met anyone in my entire life that I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that they are capable of awful things. literally no one
My mom could blow up a nursery
And if you put me on TV the next day, and I was completely honest with myself
I'd be like "I can fuckin' see it"
No, it makes sense
Sometimes when I was a kid, I'd come home from school she wasn't happy to see me
I think she hates children

Ladies, know that every man you're sitting next to tonight
If you could get into their head and see every thought they have ever had, you would immediately pull out a gun and blow your head off
Because trust me, they're capable of anything
All day long, every day, nothing but twisted, weird, awful shit is just going round and round and round
And what do you do at night?
You snuggle up next to him because you're so happy that you're not alone
And I think that says more about you
That notion that your parents raised you on, stand by your man? If you're insane
The second your man gets accused of anything, you immediately distance yourself
Just be like, "Oh, I don't know what the fuck he's into"
Buy clothes in the next town, we'll forgive you

By the way, I do love this country
We're the only place with any diversity
The entire planet is segregated
You realize that when you watch international sports
Like, I was trying to watch the World Cup, despite hating it
I guess that soccer is the most popular sport on the planet
That's because half the world can't afford AC
And that's about how long you have to run just to get tired enough to fall asleep in this Godforsaken countries
You ever tried to gamble on soccer
What's the over under? Point five
How much time's left? It's a secret, I'm out

While we have diversity, other teams don't
Or if you go to the Olympics
You looking at um
You've got gymnastic squad, we have an Asian girl, a white girl, a black girl
Look at the Chinese squad
Any guesses?
Did you guess exclusively Chinese bitches
Yeah, that's all that's ever been on that team, that's all will ever be on that team
Then they wonder why they're not getting golds anymore
Well, you better get a hollow in China

You think snapping together iPad's all day is tough
It is, not as tough as it used to be
Now they have suicide nets 'round their buildings
So they can jump out, bounce right back
Sorry boss, just needed some fresh air
Back to making Americans more stuffed
You got it

This is a tough joke to do as a white comedian
But here it goes
Because where this country is now, from where we came from is pretty remarkable
There's nothing more shameful in our country's past than slavery
Okay, it's horrible
But I've grown up in a generation where I've idolized black people my entire life
They are better at everything
So the fact that we pulled off slavery
I've already said it's awful
That's off the table
I'm just saying it's kind of neat

I mean at any point they coulda been like, "You know we can just run away right?"
And you will never catch us
And if you do, we will beat the living shit outta you
That's about how well that joke should go over
There's a fine line between appreciating the sarcasm and ooh! This feels like a rally
And you did well
That's a joke I do not do everywhere
That's a joke the audience get too excited, I shot it down
You start hearing a couple hee-ahs, troubles are brewing
As soon as hee-ah hits a certain octave, hate crime and t minus ten, nine