Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television

I love words, I thank you for hearing my words
I want to tell you something about words that I, I think is important
I love, I say they're my work, they're my play, they're my passion
Words are all we have, really
We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid, you know

Then we assign a word to a thought
And we're stuck with that word for that thought
So be careful with words, I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal
It is a matter of how you pick them
There are some people that are not into all the words
There are some that would have you not use certain words, yeah

There are 400,000 words in the English language
And there are seven of them you can't say on television
What a ratio that is
399,993 to 7
They must really be bad
They'd have to be outrageous
To be seperated from a group that large
All of you over here, you seven
Bad words

That's what they told us they were, remember?
"That's a bad word!"
No bad words, bad thoughts, bad intentions and words
You know the seven, don't you, that you can't say on television?
"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits"

Those are the heavy seven
Those are the ones that'll infect your soul
Curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war
"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits", wow
And Tits doesn't even belong on the list, you know

It's such a friendly sounding word
Sounds like a nickname, right? "Hey, Tits, come here, man
Hey Tits, meet Toots, Toots, Tits, Tits, Toots"
Sounds like a snack, doesn't it?
Yes, I know, it is a snack
But I don't mean your sexist snack
I mean, New Nabisco Tits! And new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits
Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits, yeah

"Betcha can't eat just one"
That's true, I usually switch off
But I mean, that word does not belong on the list
Actually none of the words belong on the list
But you can understand why some of them are there
I'm not completely insensetive to people's feelings, you know
I can dig why some of those words got on the list
Like, Cocksucker and Motherfucker
Those are, those are heavyweight words, you know
There is a lot going on there, man
Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling
I mean, they're just busy words
There's a lot of syllables to contend with
And those Ks, those are agressive sounds, they just jump out at you
Like, "Cocksuker, motherfucker, cocksuker, motherfucker"
It's like an assualt on you, you know, so I can dig that

We mentioned Shit earlier of course, and ah
Two of the other four letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt
Which go together of course but forget that
A little accedental humor there
Piss and Cunt, the reason that Piss and Cunt are on the list is that a long time ago
Certain ladies that said, "Those are the two I am not going to say
I don't mind Fuck and Shit but 'P' and 'C' are out! 'P' and 'C' are out"
Which led to such stupid sentences, "Okay you fuckers, I'm going to tinckle now"

And, of course, the word Fuck
The word Fuck, I don't really, well that's more accedental humor
I don't wanna get into that now
Because I think it takes to long
But I do mean that, I think the word Fuck is a very imprortant word
It is the beginning of life, and yet it is a word we use to hurt one another quite often
And uh, people much wiser than I am have said
"I'd rather have my son watch a film with two people making love
Than two people trying to kill one another"
And I, of course, can agree, it is a great sentence
I wish I knew who said it first and I agree with that
But I like to take it a step further
I'd like to substitute the word Fuck for the word Kill
In all of those movie cliches we grew up with, right

"Okay, Sherrif, we're gonna Fuck you now
But we're gonna Fuck you slow"

So maybe next year, I'll have a whole fuckin' ramp on the N word, I hope so
They are two way words
Those are the seven you can never say on television
Under any circumstanses, you just cannot say them
Ever, ever, ever, not even clinically
You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, and Ed, and Johnny
I mean, it is just impossible, forget those seven, they're out

But there are some two-way words, those double-meaning words
Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade?
"...And the cock crowed three times", "Hey, the cock crowed three times", ha, ha, ha, ha
"Hey, it's in my bible", ha, ha, ha, ha
There are some two-way words
Like it is okay for Kirk Youdi to say, "Roberto Clametti has two balls on him"
But he can't say, "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?
He's holding them, he must've hurt them, by God"

And the other two-way word that goes with that one is Prik
It's okay if it happens to your finger
Yes, you can prik your finger but don't finger your prik, no, no