Flatmate

Here's a joke, it's very funny
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
A destruction of habitat, human predation
Loss of food sources and deforestation
All under the gaze of an uncaring nation
Much like the case of the poor old bunny

He crossed the road to see his flat mate
(Maybe I should have stopped there but fuck it)
Blood, bones everywhere, what a state
The limp little fella had kicked the bucket
He was quite unaware of the driving mandate
For turning hedgehogs into pancakes

So he looked at the corpse of the friend he had loved
Then something deep down inside of him cracked
He cursed at the cold, empty sky up above
And laughed manically as he planned his attack
To reap revenge for the woodland races
And wipe that smile off those bastards' faces

So the traumatized hedgehog, we'll call him Harry
Went to Derrick the gangster dormouse to buy an AK47
Picked up all the ammunition he could carry
And wondered if there are hedgehog virgins in heaven
As he left Derrick thrust him grenades and some mines
And slunk off to his safehouse high up in the pines

So with bile in his heart Harry stomped to the road
With the butt of his weapon he bashed a school coach
Unleashed a full clip and then paused to reload
As the children fled out, then stepped up his approach
Chucking his pineapples right at them, boom!
Another pre-teener sent straight for the moon

Some elderly ladies out for a nice drive
Had rather poor eyesight and got in a muddle
Wildlife Trust members for all of their lives
But this wasn't a mammal they needed to cuddle
Three sets of false teeth and a Zimmer frame
Was all that was left of those sorry old dames

A group of monks headed to pray at a shrine
With souls full of joy at the wonder of God
When their minibus triggered an anti-tank mine
It turns out the Almighty's a bit of a sod
Well, a nice loud explosion and off they go
Just a fine mist of body fat falling like snow

Vietnam on the highway, the tarmac was slippy
With claret and Harry was blood-mad and grinning
Dog-walkers, ramblers, and day-tripping hippies
All turned into puddles of goo for their sinning
When all of a sudden he saw a crashed van
And snuffled in closer, with rifle in hand

Being an nocturnal, ground-feeding insectivore
He couldn't afford to get much education
Knew how to eat worms and dig burrows in straw
But didn't get ideas above his station
So the van's acronym, 'RSPCA'
Did not cause him a great deal of doubt or dismay

But when he climbed up and peered inside
That fan in his head got drowned under shit
For the love of his life, his hedgehog bride
And his two little piglets were shredded to bits
A tiny pink hand of his oldest son, Paddy
Gripped a birthday card reading 'We Love You Daddy'

They were moving house to a big, new wood
But kept it secret as a special surprise
He stopped, and sniffled, and he understood
And stared a long time at those blank, dead eyes
By the time the road coppers arrived from the nick
Harry was face down in a pile of sick