For a Limited Time Only

'This man has a secret he hides from his family
An overwhelming desire for the crumbly crispness
The subtle flavour of Simmers Rice Biscuits'
'Really darling, electricity costs money!
But what's the use of having nice skin if nobody can see it?'
'His wife discovered Simmers Rice Biscuits long ago, have you?'
'For the fresh clear skin you're meant to
have, trust the purest toilet soap possible'

Yeah, urgent appeal from a drowsy drunk
For just three pounds a month
You could provide me just enough water
To find your saviour and drown the cunt
Sale starts Monday
Stand out from the crowd with a mound of junk
Our dedicated team are on hand
daily to sell your baby an ounce of punk
Coming soon to a city near you
For just fourteen ninety-nine
This sweltering mass of electrified cables
Can jump start your new life of crime
Smother your face in our brand new fragrance
Bathe yourself in the fountain of payments
This Easter, please spare a thought for my dwindling patience
Brand new for your cupboards: spoilt milk tailored for poor mothers
Research suggests our cream can make your life 95 percent more butters
Have you been wasted for four summers?
Surviving on cider and raw uppers
Yeah, call our store our spiralling eyeballs come in all colours
Have you tried our incredible sputum
Shakily tested and chemically proven
To smoothen the wrinkling head of a human
Renders age a pathetic illusion
Gargle this light brown soup
Here at the Eye Gouge Group we're committed to providing a service
To leave you blissfully blind
Lie down troops, lie down troops, lie down troops
Enlist now be the best
Start a career in dealing death
Become a one-legged old bleeding mess
If you only call one number today
Before your fingers crumble away
Before these buildings rust and decay
And your clutching a nostril encrusted in K
Please make it ours
Two for one deals on brains in jars
Count your coins, we proudly present our
Brand new extensive range of parts
Wake up, roll up, feast your eyes
Join up now for a free surprise
This flick knife comes with a whole bag of drama
A getaway car and a free disguise
Our brand new formula greases the palms
Of your well dressed torturer
Comes recommended by your top sadist
Gassed at the thought of your unspoilt faces
Sign up here
Free ten pound bet
Drain your accounts and consolidate all your remaining debt

'If we call just show us a large Daz
packet, answer a simple question correctly
And you win five pounds!
If you have two large or one giant-size, you can win ten pounds!'
'Is your date afraid of lights?
No I am, with this ghastly skin, I'm always washing like you told me
But even my super new perfume soap hasn't helped'
'Scotch Perkins, by Simmers.
Full of goodness, full of ginger and spice and all things nice'

Shit, how long had I been watching these?
How long had I been staring at billboards
Feeding my coins into slot machines
I never clocked it was possible to puke for 20 months straight
You should've told me, I stubbed out my rolly
Something in the air made the room seem mouldy
Stare out coldly
Belled my bredrin, paid him a visit
The rain seems strangely acidic
I'm not sure why the burning sensation was vaguely idyllic
By the time I sank my last bevvy
My jingling wallet felt so darn heavy
By the time I reached the end of my street
I'd somehow squandered every last penny
Every last penny, every last penny, every last penny
Dog food, dish cloth, mouthwash, Henny
Every trace of the Queen's face ripped into one cascade of confetti
I got yard sat down sank deep in my seat and switched on the telly

'And here's another exciting thing to look out for!
Our squires are already putting
this leaflet through almost every door!
It gives you an extra chance of winning the same big prizes'
'Get Fairy Snow for extra white clothes.
Fairy Snow forces grey out - forces white in'
'Don't miss this great chance to win big prizes,
and remember: Daz washes so white you can see the difference'
'Extra creamy and to pamper the
palate pour Carnation over the pudding too'
'It's delicious'
'It's delicious'
'It's delicious'...