9 Pills (feat. September Stories)

I threw my white lighter in the deep end
And when I realized my hands were empty
I jumped in after it

Cut the apron strings
Cut everything

But I don't feel right taking nine pills a day
I'm afraid my words and my depression have become cliche
I still don't feel like I'm mine
I'm afraid that you were right

I still haven't found my bravery at the bottom of a pill bottle
And if I take too many then that's irresponsible
Swallow your pride
Swallow what's only at your bedside

You see I don't really feel right
And I haven't really for the past 5 nights
Or felt much of anything for that matter
But after a fistful of pills and an hour
The only part of me that I love seems displaced seems worn
I've worried if these days will ever return to the old
If I'll ever be able to love what's become of me and my ways
But these chemicals my brain rearranged
Along with my process of thinking
I've discovered I need to let myself enjoy more of life
And not just shut myself off from it
I've spent enough days in solitary to know what it's like to be alone
And maybe it's just the pills talking
But it almost feels like home

But I don't feel right taking nine pills a day
I'm afraid my words and my depression have become cliche
I still don't feel like I'm mine
I'm afraid that you were right