The Great Debate

Welcome, welcome, welcome to this great arena
Durham, North Carolina, the heart of the Research Triangle
We've come to this particular place tonight
'Cause we gotta look at things from every angle
We need some answers to some complicated questions
If we're going to get it right

To that end we have here gathered
Some of the most expensive scientists in the world
Eminent scientists, that is
We got biologists, biometricians, got a quantum mechanic and astrophysicians
We got a cosmologist and a cosmetician, got an astronaut, we got Astro Boy
We got he-doctors, she-doctors, knee doctors, tree doctors
We a got a lumberjack and a life coach

On the other side, we have the true believers
We got the Baptists, the Methodists, Presbyterians
The Episcopalians are here, pass the hat
We got the Shakers, the Quakers, the anti-innoculators
The Big Boss Line from Madison Town
The Six Blind Boys, Five Tons of Joy, give 'em room, get out of the way
We got a Bible Belter from the Mississippi Delta
Have them all arranged

Scientists, are you ready?
First question: dark matter
Oh, dark matter
Give me someone knows somethin' about space

Nice space music, Georgie
All right, what is it? Where is it? Can we get some?
Stand up, sir, would you? You are standing, forgive me
Dark matter, go ahead

Dark matter is out in space
It's seventy-five percent of everything

Just a moment, sir. Do yourself a favor, use our music
People like it, and your music's making people sick
All right. It's a free country, go ahead
Dark matter, what is it?

We don't know what it is, but we think it's everywhere

I'd like to take a look at it. Can we get some down here?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Of course not!

Let me get this straight: you don't know what it is
You don't know where it is, and we can't get any?
Put that to the one side
Let's put the Lord, faith, eternity and whatever on the other side
Show of hands?

I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus every time
I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus every time
Yes I will, yes I will, yes I will, yes I will
I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus every time

All right, one-nothing
Next one's gonna be a hard one
It's about the theory of evolution, and it's about animals, also
So, give me someone knows somethin' about evolution, and animals
Who you got?

Wow, you're a beautiful woman, aren't you?
Doesn't matter, of course, but if this science thing doesn't work out for you
Don't boo me, don't boo me
I'm just kiddin' you, you know that
Here's my question: explain me the giraffe
Go ahead

Elaborate?

With pleasure, miss
The giraffe, to survive, must eat leaves high up on the Yabba Yabba tree
That's true, isn't it?

Of course it is. Everyone knows that!

But Mr. Darwin's giraffe, the halfway-giraffe, with a halfway-giraffe neck
Could never have reached the highest branches of the Yabba Yabba
Therefore, he could not have survived
It's only common sense
Unfortunately for you, Mr. Charles Darwin didn't have any common sense
Evolution is a theory, and we have just now, tonight, disproved it
Show of hands?

I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus every time
I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus every time
Yes I will, yes I will, yes I will, yes I will
I'll take Jesus every time

All right, two-nothing
Next question: global warming
Is it, and if so, so what?
One of the true believers seeks to be recognized
Hand him a mic, Charles
Thank you

Sir, do you know what you are?
You're an idiot. You're a strawman, a fabrication
You see, the author of this little vignette, Mr. Newman
Self-described atheist and communist, creates characters, like you
As objects of ridicule
He doesn't believe anything he has you say
Nor does he want us to believe anything you say
Makes it easy for him to knock you down, hence, a strawman
I, myself, believe in Jesus
I believe in evolution, also. I believe in global warming, and in life everlasting
No one can knock me down

Oh, we can knock you down, Mister
We can knock your communist friend down, too
Communist
You call me an idiot
We've been knocking people like Mr. Newman down for years and years
Like this: page 35, Georgie
Mrs. Dorothy, page 35

I know someone is watching me
Everywhere I go
Someone sees everything I see
Knows everything I know
When I'm in trouble, don't have a friend
There's still somebody on whom I can depend
Someone who'll be there 'till the very end
Someone is watching me

Someone is watching me
Someone is watching me
For so long, I was too blind to see
Someone is watching
Someone is watching
Someone is watching me

Take a little break, ladies and gentlemen
Fifteen, twenty, twenty-five minutes
Depending on how the merchandise is moving
We'll be right back