Samus the Spaceman Cowboy

Let me tell you a legend
About the greatest bounty hunter who ever lived.
A real manly man, a rugged warrior,
and they call him, 'Samus Aran.'

As a child, he was raised up by the Chozo --
That's a tribe of martian Indians, I think --
He saved the world and blew up other planets
by the time that he was old enough to drink.

A sissy purple dragon ate his family,
so then Samus launched some whoopass in a can,
and beat that ugly beast three ways to Sunday,
like a burly, beefy, brawny macho man!

Oh Samus the Spaceman Cowboy!
He's a hero to us all!
Yes, Samus the Spaceman Cowboy
Has a robotic suit and giant balls!

...Morph Balls, I mean.
That's where he curls up into a little ball and rolls around.
Like an exploding armadilla!

Well Samus, he battled many bad guys,
But none moreso than the Toothy Jelly Blob.
And when Samus had defeated all its kinfolk,
He then made himself a jelly shiskabob!

His rivals were a band of evil fellas:
The Space Pirates, who sailed the seven seas!
With his Zapper hand, he sank their pirate vessel,
and then brought those surly seadogs to their knees!

Oh, Samus the Spaceman Cowboy!
He's a tough guy through and through!
Yes, Samus the Spaceman Cowboy
Only gets out of bed to kill and screw!

With his "Screw Attack," I mean.
There's no real screwing, I guess. It's mostly just for killing people.

Old Samus loved to hunt himself weird critters,
like dinosaurs named Kraid with triple eyes.
But it only took a couple magic missiles
to bring that giant dino down to size!

And then at last, there came an epic showdown
between Samus and a motherchuckin' brain!
But a thousand bombs and rocket launches later,
Samus gave the thing permanent migraine!

Oh, Samus the Spaceman Cowboy!
He's as manly as can be!
Needs no helmet, or suit of armor!
Just a blue spandex suit or bikini-

WAIT, WHAT THE-