It Kills Me to Have to Be Alive

Something about the summer I didn't cope with well
And every time I walked in this room
In the same spot, tripped and fell
And I check my spit for blood
And I do not call enough
I spill my guts for money
But you don't find my jokes that funny

There's something in the tone of my voice
That makes you question everything I say
And I will never learn to just shut my mouth
And bury things our parents' way
And you said that I should quit what I fear
And I know I just wanted it to be my idea
And you said that I do not exist
And I know at least now we agree on it

And I'll keep telling myself
That I'm not just here for everyone else
Make plans for birthdays that I don't care if I celebrate
And I'm sorry that I can't be what everybody wants from me
I do not feel that I am loved
But I do not reach out enough
But I'm reaching up

I'll let this all fall down around me
Yeah, I'll let this all fall down around me
Yeah, I'll let this all fall down around me

And I'll fail but at least I'll try
It's the most I can hope for most of the time
It kills me to have to be alive
It's killing me to have to be alive