How I Got the Calling

When I was still a schoolgirl
Standing just about yay high
I saw the face of Jesus in a coconut cream pie
Next morning
There was Mary in a bowl of Special K
And ten of twelve apostles in the salad bar buffet

Now, frankly
I'm an eater
And I polished off Saint Peter
When my tummy sort of gave a little lurch
And
I knew beyond all question
It was more than indigestion
And that's how I got the calling to the Church

You found God in junk food?
The Lord works in mysterious ways!
So
I told mine
Now, you tell yours

Uh... Age before beauty

Death before dishonor
My mother kicked the bucket in the flood of '38
A falling Steinway piano sent my father to his fate
All twenty of my siblings caught the plague by some odd chance
And something in the meatloaf got my uncles and my aunts
The town I lived in bit it when a freak tornado hit it
And the heartbreak took my dog to his reward
And
I figured, on reflection, I could maybe use protection
And that's how I got my calling to the Lord (How I got my calling to the Lord)
That's how I got my calling
And it was bracing
But enthralling
And I just knew
I'd do as I was bid
I'd be overfed
And I'd be obviously dead
So thank the Lord, I got that calling when I did

Now, you!
No - them!

The folks from Jews for Jesus stuck a pamphlet in my purse
I heard a voice while playing Sergeant Pepper in reverse
I prayed and then, by golly, my psoriasis was healed
People always told me that I looked like Sally Field
I had a revelation when I skipped my medication
The outfit just did wonders for my frame
And
Yes it may be odd to get a wake-up call from God
But in the end, I got the calling and I came
I got the calling and I came (And that's how I got the calling)
And gave my life an overhauling (La la la la)
And it was loud
And firm
And oh, so clear
Yes, it's quite a jump but I'd be lost
Afraid
A frump!
So thank the Lord I got the calling and I'm here

Save the bestest for last-est
Uh
Oh - she hasn't gone yet

Oh, no not me
I can't. I didn't -

Mary Robert wasn't exactly "called" to the convent, were ya, mouse?
Tell her!

Well
You see
I mean, it's kind of like I -
Came here as a tot
What I mean is-
Left here at the door
Well
Go on
And I don't know if I'm-
Supposed to be a nun or not
It's-
Hard to say, but after all, that's what the call is for
Right?
So
Spotlight's back on you, Sister
Fess up!

Okay
Uh...
Me and Sister... Sledge
We had a ministry, I guess
Ah - working at Our Lady of Perpetual... Excess
We'd go among the village people every day - well, night
Lifting up the sinful and helping the uptight
And suddenly one day, it was like, bang!
And right away I saw the light
And screamed, "Sweet Jesus Christ!" and such
And
I asked to be secluded in this hellhole just like you did
And that's how I got the calling, pretty much
How she got the calling, pretty much (And that is how I got the calling)
Right (It was sublime)
And yet appalling
And it was all so right in all respects
Sweet as mountain honey
And as wild as summer lightning
And as warm as woolen mittens
And so fierce that it was frightening
And as bright as new-cut flowers
And as swift as April showers
And orgasmic as a night of sweaty sex-
I'm sorry
Was that out loud?

If it never came
If all our lives were just the same
Well, heaven knows what might have happened to us then
But we got the calling
Thank the Lord, we got the calling
We're so glad you got the calling
Amen!