Background

They sense the vibe in my vibrato, love the skin I'm in but I know
That's the reason that my father always drownin' down a bottle
Mama I'm tryna make it, but the odds against me
These people say to fake it, but my selling points me
Pray for me, dont praise me -
I got too many inner demons that
constantly doubt and always try to break me
They wonder why I hate me -
I don't see myself in places of power
but I've been thinkin' like it lately
I'm feelin' like I'm 8 feet -
With two tongues,
my words aimin like the guns that they point at kuyas face see
Ate can you paint me -
Is what my youngest sister's sayin'
'cuz we never seen her face up on that TV
That's nothin like me, until, I don't like me
I mean, is it likely, So I, I just write me, in these, poems nightly
Which means, I just fight me, between songs that might be
A scene from my life, see, I seen
My head above the water, so how will I raise a daughter?
When the currency don't offer, same piso to a dollar
I'm the daughter of 2 immigrants been workin that blue collar
And these days they barely talk unless they dream across the water

I'm tried of playing just the background, background
But when I'm down, it go back 'round, back 'round
I never been the type to back down, back down
I bounce back and I'm back now, back now
I never been the type to...

I don't know why sometimes I feel blind
They say you're gone all the time, but trust it weighs on my mind
Maybe all I know is I'll make it this time
You see, I do this for mine, trust I'll make it this time

I make my mind stretch for every line that I might etch
Thinkin' 'bout the next rhyme like how come I ain't signed yet?
My dreams ain't farfetched, I'm feelin like this is the last stretch
Runnin' through that finish line, been runnin' from the past yet
So bare with me the wait to, my magnum opus debut
Mic check, first take it's Day 2, we live, we never take two
Swimming' the high tides, we swallowing our pride
We buy into their lies, I'm silent with my cries
We trying to cut ties, a citizen part time
She holding a 9-5, he holding a nine, five times
He couldn't swallow pride, so he called it a piped lie
My father, he don't cry, he talk, but I don't try
The music flowing deep under the "flat" nose and skin "tones
"Sharpest" of the "accents," but we at home in these poems
Thicker than the fumes in the
Manila sky, broken dreams and severed ties
Came here when we broke the sky, check it
I'm the "food for thought" "heavyweight," make the letters levitate
Trying to be one of the greats, trust me, time will tell my fate
So tell me, Ruby, tell me, why the hell you still afraid?
Your only enemy is you and that's from yesterday

I'm tried of playing just the background, background
But when I'm down, it go back 'round, back 'round
I never been the type to back down, back down
I bounce back and I'm back now, back now
I never been the type to...

I don't know why sometimes I feel blind
They say you're gone all the time, but trust it weighs on my mind
Maybe all I know is I'll make it this time
You see, I do this for mine, trust I'll make it this time

I scrub. Over and over
With each stroke a technique masterfully taught to me by my colonizers
That skin as brown as my father's hands and
as deep as the lines around my mother's eyes
Nose and skin
Eyes and smile
Name and accent--
Indicators of where I came from,
past the Pacific Ocean where the air is a bit
more tight and the sun's rays a bit more strong
I imagine the distant days when we'd bathe in the
rain, the water naturally warm as it fell on my skin
I would look down and see my reflection in
the puddles that would form beneath my feet
Distorted - but perfectly clear
Brown body gleaming in the reflection
But scrub harder
They say papaya soap only works when it
burns. And It burns deep. So scrub harder
When we played outside on hot days,
our mothers would say we smell just like the sun
You don't wanna be in the sun... they all say
We are taught to fear darkness but ironically find solace in the shade
But this skin, was built to change colors like chameleons
This skin was built to absorb the sun til it blooms
This skin that many spend their days hating,
was built to reflect the stories of our ancestors
You don't want to smell like the sun!
Ruby stay out of the sun!
So scrub harder!
Scrub harder!
I look down now
And this time
I see my color wash away with the water.