Shattered Illusions

I fell for a man at a party, a Hyperion
His godlike beauty easily met each criterion
Six foot four and debonair
Emerald eyes and thick black hair
But when we got closer
Was he perfect?
No sir

His nice white teeth came out at night
And the sock down his jeans was what made them tight
Oh, my shattered illusions
I got a shock when I saw him cleanse
Each bright green contact lens
Oh, my poor confusion
But the thing that caused the final rift
Was when his toupee started to drift
And his shoes had three inch lifts
Oh, my shattered illusions

Now, as for me, I lately met a city type
(Ah-ha)
He was nearly fifty-seven, but I couldn't gripe
(Mm-hm)
Rolled umbrella, pinstriped suit
And a shiny Rolls to boot
But when I got closer
Was he perfect?
No sir

His great big hands were like wet spaghetti
He lay on the couch and said, "Call me Betty"
Oh, my shattered illusions
He went on and on, for hours and hours
About something called golden showers
And showed me his contusions
Wearing nipple clamps and bows in his pubic hair
He handed me a whip and said, "Beat me there!"
Then asked if he could sniff my underwear
Oh (oh oh oh oh), my shattered illusions

Now me, I really think I've met the perfect guy
(I, me)
Can't find a single fault, no matter how I try
(Oh, gee)
Though no Adonis, he's the cream
He is every mother's dream
But will I let him get closer?
What do you think?
No sir

He thinks I'm lovely but entre nous
My lashes and nails are stuck on with glue
Oh (poor bloke), his shattered illusions
I've had a little tuck here and a little tuck there
And I wasn't born with this blonde hair
Oh (no joke), his poor delusions
My original chin was much, much bigger
My nose job would simply make him snigger
It's to silicone, I owe my shapely figure
Oh, his shattered illusions

But I'll keep Mum, because you see
His bride is what I long to be
But, God help us if the children look like me
Oh, those shattered illusions