When I Lose You

I found out what happens when I lose you
When the trail goes cold
And I can't find my own way home
So I camp out
Hoping to break in
This cave
This giant hole in the foundation of a mountain I used to have the faith to move
When I lose you
I'm left with
No match to light the fire
No strength to build the pyre
Ego explodes
And we slowly realize we cannot carry life on our shoulders
Refuse to wait
And the weight is crushing
Rushing rapids of distraction carry my ship built for one
Into a river bed that provides no sleep
These sheets on which I used to rest
Become the rags
I use to blot the stain
To numb the pain
It's all the same
Medicating symptoms
Not the sickness in my brain and my heart
And my soul
And my spirit
Can't you hear it?
My entire being is a minefield of mistakes planted by my own worst enemy
Me & you
We had a good thing going
In meeting we exchanged our everything
Broken wings for the very thing I now sit without
Walking aimless through streets of doubt
I run in circles of self sufficiency
And these city lights will never be bright enough to lead me from my own darkness
Marked with discarding the one thing that really matters
I'm singing the praises of American Idols
That no one will remember or care about in the end

Like an anti-Icarus
I flew away from the son
But somehow still managed to get burned
Learn to resent
Those who turn to repent
Assessing their motives or authenticity
Like judge and jury was somehow written on my name plate instead of totally lost
Utterly frustrated
And maybe even a little bitter
I shiver with quiver in hand
Believing that if I follow this trail of ink it will somehow lead me back to you
Because articulating brokenness is the first step to healing
Or at least I hope it is
Because how many times have I bandaged the cracks in my identity
With syllables that soak up emotion
Trying so desperately to stop the bleeding
And if this poem proves to be placebo
Then maybe i've wasted my time
Hoping for restoration in a rhyme
When I lose you
Then I accuse you
Of not being there
Or not being real
Or not being what I want or expect you to be
When I lose you
I hope you find me