I'm an Ordinary Man

I'm an ordinary man
Who desires nothing more
Than just the ordinary chance
To live exactly as he likes
And do precisely what he wants
An average man am I
Of no eccentric whim
Who wants to live his life free of strife
Doing whatever he thinks is best for him
Just an ordinary man

But let a woman in your life
And your serenity is through
She'll redecorate your home
From the cellar to the dome
Then get on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you

Oh, let a woman in your life
And you are up against the wall
Make a plan and you will find
She has something else in mind
And so rather than do either
You do something else that neither likes at all

You want to talk of Keats or Milton
She only wants to talk of love
You go to see a play or ballet
And spend it searching for her glove

Oh, let a woman in your life
And you invite eternal strife
Let them buy their wedding bands
For those anxious little hands
I'd be equally as willing
For a dentist to be drilling
Than to ever let a woman in my life

I'm a very gentle man
Even tempered and good natured
Whom you never hear complain
Who has the milk of human kindness
By the quart in every vein
A patient man am I
Down to my fingertips
The sort who never could
Ever would
Let an insulting remark escape his lips
Just a very gentle man

But let a woman in your life
And patience hasn't got a chance
She will beg you for advice
Your reply will be concise
And she'll listen very nicely
Then go out and do precisely what she wants

You were a man of grace and polish
Who never spoke above a hush
Now all at once you're using language
That would make a sailor blush

Oh, let a woman in your life
And you are plunging in a knife
Let the others of my sex
Tie the knot around their necks
I'd prefer a new edition
Of the Spanish Inquisition
Than to ever let a woman in my life

I'm a quiet living man
Who prefers to spend his evenings in the silence of his room
Who likes an atmosphere as restful
As an undiscovered tomb
A pensive man am I
Of philosophic joy
Who likes to meditate, contemplate
Free from humanity's mad, inhuman noise
Just a quiet living man

But let a woman in your life
An your sabbatical is through
In a line that never ends
Come an army of her friends
Come to jabber and to chatter
And to tell her what the matter is with you

She'll have a booming, boisterous family
Who will descend on you on mass
She'll have a large, Wagnerian mother
With a voice that shatters glass

Oh, let a woman in your life
Let a woman in your life
Let a woman in your life

I shall never let a woman in my life