I Eat With Gusto, Damn! You Bet

When I eat like I do it,
I use not fork nor spoon
No grace or culture to it
When I call my own tune.

For I eat with gusto, damn you bet
A regular K-9 cruncher
Except truth be told I'm sloppier yet
Than many a dog food muncher
I eat a pound I eat a ton
And no there ain't much I cuts up
And while I'm having merry fun
Bystanders puke their guts up.

The FBI sent someone by
Who handles health affairs
I had not finished my cream pie
When he chanced up the stairs
Why did he turn the other way?
Why did he leave so quick?
Will he come back another day?
Did something make him sick?

I eat with gusto damn you bet
A regular doggie diner
"No don't bring me napkins waiter sir,
Just bring some trash can liner."

Whilst wandering by a juice bar
I spyed a tempting beverage
Since I would have been last in line
I used my fearsome leverage
For in my pocket was some food
Which I took from the wrapper
The patrons wathced it being chewed
And of course headed for the crapper.

For I eat with gusto damn you bet
For gusto I'm the boss
For yay my nose it is in the salad
And lo my chin it is in the sauce
I eat with gusto damn you bet
We're sailing around the cape
"Keel-haul him," said the Bosun
"There must be no escape."

One sunny day in Paris an elegant cafe
A phone call there a phone call here
And the gendarmes took me away

I said "qu'est-ce qui se passe ici"
I said " mais qu'est-ce que c'est"
They said "Such eating it is criminal
And crime it does not pay."

For I eat with gusto damn you bet.
My banner yay unfurled
My shirt is covered with mustard
And my hair with ketchup curled

Goodby to Egypt, Greece and Rome
The ancient world goodbye.
May squalor be my summer home
And filth be my neck tie.

For I eat with gusto damn you bet.
Uh, And Uh, I eat with gusto damn you bet
My country tis of thee
I eat for social progress
I eat for victory

Somebody died who watched me eat
In a restaurant one spell
He woke up and saw me eating beans
And knew that he'd gone to hell

For Uh, "He eats with gusto damn we bet."
They're calling from the south
They want to stop my gusto
They want to close my mouth
"You eat with gusto, yeah that's great
Now let us off this bus."
Wait a minute I haven't finished eating up stuff yet.
"We'll call you, don't call us."