Chapter 7

Have you ever been to a cemetery at dawn on Sunday?
Like you're still fucked up-drugs and shit- but you're there
Haven't slept
It's still as fuck

That's the kind of stillness I woke up to
In my home on Christmas Day
I was about 10 years old
There was a bar in our home
Bought by my mom's alcoholic boyfriend
On that bar-which had not a drop of alcohol
Was a one-foot-tall porcelain Christmas tree table lamp
My older brother and I woke up to that stillness
There were no toys. No laughter. No joy

I must've been particularly naughty that year because
Santa didn't find it fit to give me the gift of family
No one was home
Not my mom. Not her boyfriend
My dad had been in prison for years at this point
Stillness, like a lump of coal without a flame

We turned it on, this Christmas tree
And it lit up all the fake plastic light ornaments around it
My brother and I sat on the stools and sang Silent Night
The Temptations version
The saddest scene you could ever imagine
Two little kids alone on Christmas

The past is always as uncertain as the future
But I remember that stillness
I remember because it was the same feeling I felt that day
When I woke up and my specifically brilliant
Beautiful woman wasn't next to me

There was only Egoblivion's voice
"Where do you think I go when you are asleep?
Where do you think I go at all?"
"What have you done?"

"I simply introduced myself
All those middle of the night sex romps
She should know who that was
And she deserved to know the type of man you are
We can't have secrets with the ones we love, right?"

Everything was turning red
Inside my skull was an out-of-control centrifuge filled with blood

Only once before I felt such anger
In third grade, a boy bullied me
Smacked me
I was too scared to hit him back
The teacher thought we were fighting
And gave us detention
After school, when the teacher left the classroom
We sat there alone, the boy and I
He kept talking shit to me, threatening me
All the fear he ever pushed on me, I put into my anger
I stood up and beat the fucking shit out of him
He begged and begged me to stop
My ears were just deaf to his nonsense
I pummeled him until all of my fear deteriorated
He never fucked with me again
Life-changing, that

"Ahhh love!
That was a great adventure, wasn't it?
You, sly fox, you
Futurecasting your uncertain lives together
Mimicking the desire of procreation
Through the most intimate acts
I must admit, that part was fun
You might fool your brain into thinking
You two had some sort of spiritual connection
Something beyond the physical realm
Unfortunately, it's just chemical reactions, and neurons firing
Makes you feel special, doesn't it?
It's just how the brain works
A magnificent organ
The most complex structure in existence
Just think about it
You contain something inside your skull bigger than yourself
Picture that! It's all in your head
That, my dear starship vessel
Is more than any miracle
Any man has ever asked for or witnessed
Absolutely... mind-boggling"

I ignored his words coming from my mouth
I tried to call her
I left messages
I could only imagine what he said
What he did
All I could do was order him to leave me alone

"Alone? And where would you have me go?
We are one, you and I
I'm the one who holds your dick when you piss
And you are a full bladder, my friend
But now I have you by the balls
Just when you thought you knew your role
The audience laughs at you"

The word "mad" has three distinct definitions
Insane, Angry, and Passionate
I was a gestalt of madness

"What's the matter? Mouth full of cheese?"