The Hardest Decision

My two brothers
As certain as I am
Of our inheritance
They travel all the time

My credit card
With a twenty-five thousand dollar
Credit limit
Was jacked
And we didn't notice
Until it was in overdraft

The organization
Where I am executive director
Shaves ten percent off of
A contract to help homeless drug users
Self-advocate
So we can do the admin
And I can drop in
At a moment's notice
When, not if, the shit hits the fan
In the several million ways
That it can
And does

The condo I was able to buy
When I was suffering with
Chronic fatigue
Only because my parents loaned me
Two thousand dollars
It sold for six times what I bought it for
Six years later
When my partner and I
Sold everything and moved to Indonesia
Because his visa expired
And it wasn't legal for us
To get married

That gave us a big enough down payment
Along with another eleven thousand dollars
My parents loaned me
To buy a house when we moved to Canada
With two basement rental suites
That has tripled in value
In the thirteen years
Since we bought it

I've never had a big salary
I'm quite certain I get paid much less
Than other executive directors
Who do and achieve as much as I do
But with all the equity in our home
And my impending inheritance
The sacrifices I make for work
And any innovative risks I take
You could say they are easy

The hardest decision
I'm working on today
Is whether to pay
Nineteen ninety-nine
To post some of my music
On Spotify
And then, if I do, which music to post?
Should I veer clear of material
That might upset politicians
Through whom money is distributed
To my organization
Which might endanger the livelihoods
Of my employees
And the availability of services
To our program beneficiaries?

Well, probably my music will just sit there
With seven random listeners per month
Like the music of a peer of mine from art school
Whose band I just looked up
And I will have squandered how many hours
Worrying
Or just entertaining fantasies
Of calamity and insignificance
Over what?

I've spurned every heartfelt entreaty
To go to one of my high school reunions
Because those people just stood by
When I was called a fag in the halls
And petitions were circulated
To have me "impeached" from my position
As president of the school
Which I won
Before I came out

But I recently got back on Facebook
And have accepted every friend request
From those so-called high school friends
Because, at the back of my mind
I think they may click on posts
To the songs
I might one day upload
To my Spotify artist listing