I'll Never Go Back on Loch Ness

In a neat little pub near the banks of Loch Ness
Is where I met Hamish McGlynn
We started to chat about this and 'bout that
And I knew he was reeling me in
Said he, "If you buy me a glass of the best
I will tell you a secret I've kept"
It's a terrible story, both gruesome and gory
And it's one that I'd sooner forget

So I bought him a dram and he swallowed it down
Saying "I'm honest as the next man can be"
It's the truth I swear by not a word of a lie
And here's what he said to me

I'll never go back on Loch Ness
I'll never go back on Loch Ness
You can think what you like, but I don't give a shite
For I'll never go back on Loch Ness

I was fishing one night by the light of the moon
Just me and me little row boat
The water was calm and you couldn't go wrong
And I had a wee flask in me coat
A salmon or trout would be lovely for tea
And would look very nice in the pan
Oh, I felt rather smug, with a smile on me mug
Saying "Boy, that's a wonderful plan"

But I'll never go back on Loch Ness
I'll never go back on Loch Ness
You can think what you like, but I don't give a shite
For I'll never go back on Loch Ness

I took a wee sip just to ward off the cold
For the weather had taken a turn
Then lightning did flash and I heard a big splash
And the water around me did churn
When up from the deep came a creature from hell
'Twas a terrible sight to take in
The old tales were right, and I got such a fright
That I nearly jumped out of me skin

Oh, I'll never go back on Loch Ness
I'll never go back on Loch Ness
You can think what you like, but I don't give a shite
For I'll never go back on Loch Ness

It was sixty feet long from its head to its tail
And its mouthful of teeth smiled with glee
I knew the great beast was ready to feast
On a poor fisherman such as me
I jumped to the oars like a Viking gone mad
And I made that row boat fairly fly
But as fast as I raced, it easily kept pace
Glaring down with two big hungry eyes

Oh, I'll never go back on Loch Ness
I'll never go back on Loch Ness
You can think what you like, but I don't give a shite
For I'll never go back on Loch Ness

With a flip of its tail, it capsized the boat
And I was flung into the drink
I sputtered and coughed and I drank half the loch
And me life passed me by in a wink
So it must have been luck or divine intervention
That saved me from such an ordeal
Now I'll need some more drink, for it's painful to think
That I nearly was Nessie's next meal

So I'll never go back on Loch Ness
I'll never go back on Loch Ness
You can think what you like, but I don't give a shite
For I'll never go back on Loch Ness

No, I'll never go back on Loch Ness
I'll never go back on Loch Ness
You can think what you like, but I don't give a shite
For I'll never go back on Loch Ness

No, I'll never go back on Loch Ness
No, I'll never go back on Loch Ness
No, I'll never go back on Loch Ness