Chrissy Puked Twice (Deluxe Bonus Version/Live)

It was the blackest night
There was no moon in sight
You know the stars ain't shinin'
'Cause the sky's too tight
Heard the scarey wind
I seen a ugly trees
There was a werewolf honkin'
Along the side of me

I'm mean and I'm bad, y'know I ain't no sissy
Got a big-titty girly by the name of Chrissy
Talkin' about her and my bike and me
And this ride up the mountain of mystery, mystery

It was 11 o'clock upon a Friday night
You know that her and me was feeling outta' sight
We had 20 reds and a big ol' pile o' weed
You know we drank some wine and then we LSD'd

Well, Chrissy puked twice and jumped on my bike
She yelled, "Fire it up, because you know what I like"
She burned her leg on a tail-pipe then
And yelled, "Shit-a-ree" and puked again

That's right

I noticed even the crickets were actin' weird up here
And so I figured I might just drink a little beer
I said, "Gimme some of that what yer suckin' on"
But there was no reply 'cause she was gone

"Where's those titties I like so well
And my goddamn beer", is what I started to yell
Then I heard this noise, like a crunchin' twig
And up jumped the devil, he's about this big

He had a red suit on and a widow's peak
And then a pointed tail and like a sulphur reek
Yes, it was him alright, I sweared I knowed it was
He had some human flesh stuck underneath his claws
You know, it looked to me like it was titty skin
I said, "You son of a bitch" 'cause I was mad at him
Well, he just got out the floss and started cleanin' his fang
So I shot him with my shooter
Said, "Bang, bang, bang"

Then the sucker just laughed 'n said
Oh, put it away
You know, I ate her all up,now what you gonna say?
You ate my Chrissy?
Yeah, titties and all
Well, what about the beer then?
Were the cans this tall?

How 'bout her boots?
Now, would I lie to you?
Shit, you musta been hungry
Yeah, this is true
Well, don't they pay you good on your birthday for what you all do?
Well, you know, I can't complain when the checks come through

Well, I want my Chrissy and I want my beer
So you just spit her back up now, devil, do you hear?

Dig
Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man
I mean, I am the devil, do you understand?
Just what will you give me for your titties and beer?
I suppose you noticed this little contract here

Yer goddam right, you son of a whore
Call me that?
That's about the only reason I learned writin' for
Yeah?
Gimme that contract bet yer ass I'll sign
Because I need a beer and it's titty-squeezin' time

Man, you can't fool me, you ain't that bad
Oh, yeah?
I mean you shoulda seen some of the souls that I've had
Why there was Milhous Nixon and Agnew, too
And both of those suckers were worse 'n you

Well, let's make a deal if you think that's true
I mean, shit, you're the devil so whatcha gonna do?
You want to make a deal with me?
That's right, you heard right
Now wait a second
You ain't supposed to wanna make a de...
You see, I've propositioned quite a few people
Well, let me explain
And nobody ever wanted to make a deal with me, you dig, alright?
What are you, an amateur devil? Don't you understand
Wait a minute, hey man, I am the Big One, I am
You're the main devil, huh?
Whatever his name is himself
Yeah, you Beelzebub, right?
I don't know, you can call him that if you want to, you know. Satan
Yeah? Well, look now, I know it's your birthday and everything
Lucifer
Look. You might have... You might have missed
You can call me Smothers
I could call you Smothers

Smothers, can I call him Smothers?
Alright. Now look, I wanna explain something to you
I know that you're overawed because it's your birthday and these things don't happen but once a year, you know?
That's true
Yeah, when you're young and tender and succulent and available (yes)
No, not really available for, you know
No, not really available
Heh-heh-heh, maybe next time though
Maybe
When you're succulent like that and everything, you know, and trying to pretend to be the devil in front of literally thousands of people in a major American city like New York
You know it's, it's easy to overlook some simple details that are pertinant to our current dilemma
Do you get the drift? What I'm trying to tell you is I'm a simple minded person, you know?
Simple, uh-huh, yeah
That's right
Simple
Me and Don Parde are just like that
What?
Wait a minute, I thought you were a weirdo. I thought I could use you down there with
No, you can't. Yeah, you can't
You can't use me, no no no, no, no no no
No matter what union you, you belong to
Could it be that I made a mistake?
I'm only interested in a couple of things
And Bennett can bear me out on this
I'm only interested in two things, tits and beer. Right?
So, if there's anybody here in the audience that can agree with this
Help me out
Make sure the devil does not get my soul tonight, just sing along

Titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer
Titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer

No, don't sign it!
Give me time to think
I mean, hold on a second, boy
'Cause that's Magic Ink

And then the devil puked
And out jumped my girl
They heard the titties plop-ploppin'
All around the world, she said

"I got me 3 beers and a fist full of downs
And I'm gonna get ripped so fuck you clowns"

And then she gave us the finger
It was rigid and stiff
That's when the devil, he farted
And she went right over the cliff

The devil was mad I took off to my pad
I swear I do declare
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare
How did she get back there?
Alright