Shot in the Dark

And it's one more shot in the dark
One more day waking up
Feeling that feeling you get
In your gut like you know that you just overslept
But you Really got nowhere to be
It's another day passing avoid interaction
Avoiding the fact that if someone comes at me
It really don't matter I'm not in the practice of hitting you back
Unless your doing something for me
God Damn No
I don't think you understand no
I just wanna be a man but
I ain't acting like a man no
I don't think this was the plan no
I don't think I have I have a plan no
I'm just drifting through this
I'm not getting through this
I'm not fit to do this
How can it override every decision I wanted to make
Intentions I wanna be great
But actions the only one talking
I wanted to stop but I'm walking this way
To the block where I don't have a place
But they leave me alone by the tone on my face
They can tell that I'm there for the product
Their selling no blame it's a problem this problem creates
Gotta Lotta mistakes and I contemplate taking my life on the daily I've fallen from grace
Tryn to keep scheming withdrawal and I shake more through hours a day than I don't
Friends that I hang with their names getting carved into stone
Go from apartment to home to apartment then car and I'm starving and part of me knows
That it's only a matter of time
That it's only a matter of getting a batch from the kitchen
That's not as consistently mixed on that factory line
But at this point it's almost a thrill just to have any feeling at all
Aside from the pain so I shoot
And I fall even further from grace as I wait for the call GOD
Damn
I just wanna be a man
I don't think you understand
I ain't acting like a man
So it's one more shot in the dark
One more dimly lit bathroom
That the clerk at the gas station hands me to the key to
I sense all the judgement hes passing
But I'd rather it that then get seen in my car
N risk losing the place that I crash in
Cuz the couches to sleep on they all went away
Like the family fed up with my madness
Oh God damn no
I don't think you understand no
I just wanna be a man but
I ain't acting like a man no
I don't think this was the plan no
I don't think I have I have a plan no
I'm just drifting through this
I'm not getting through this
I'm not fit to do this
How can it override everything
And my mother she paid me a visit while I was embracing the sickness
I'll never forget it
The last time I saw her was two years before that I hate to relive it
As dead as I was on the inside I channeled her energy
I couldn't help but feel hopeless inside
Of that moment my Tears started falling and I just felt broken
She just looked older she had no emotion
She looked right at me her face it was frozen I'll never forget what she said
I'll wait for the call that your dead
And she told me she's knows that is prolly the last time
She'll ever be able to see me alive...
And she left When she hugged me goodbye
It was so disconnected and yet so was I
Damn no
I don't think you understand how it feels to be in it every minute is a week
Every night no sleep Every high so deep
But it goes so quick and if I don't leap
Then I might not make it and if I don't make it then my life was cheap
Was it all for nothing
And my mind keeps racing
I'm sick to my stomach
Why am I so weak
And I'm thinking damn
I just wanna be a man
I don't think you understand
I'm not acting like a man
So it's One more shot in the dark
And this one was different I had to sit with
All of that pain and the guilt and the shame
And the drugs they would no longer fix it
And I hit a place where if I didn't change
I was goin insane I had no one to blame
Except me and myself and I fell to my knees and I made a decision to live
I made a decision to be what I thought I could be
I saw that the problem is me and I got to my feet
And I started to feel a new sense of direction as small as a seed
But a seed was enough and it sprouted a tree
And I started to breathe and with God as my witness
I'll follow it through to the end everyday and I'll follow my Dreams yeah