Losing Control

A reoccurring thought
There's so much more to life than we're afforded most times
There are so many cultures centered around spirituality
The discovery of self, and the pursuit of happiness
I'm exhausted living where I do
Interacting with people who only have this one dimensional perspective on life
And I'm tired of the culture we live in endorsing and capitalizing off this way of thinking
We are told to make the best of what we have
There is no shortage of money or resources in the world
There is a surplus of greed
I wonder how I keep getting caught in these loops of depression
I've found that it's my environment
An environment that forces me to fit inside a mold I don't belong just to survive
It drains my autonomy
I find that I do what I have to more than I do what I want
If I could wake up everyday and just be, I'd be fine
If I could wake up and let the world take me where it will
It might take me to happiness. nothing in life should be done out of necessity
Everything should be done out of genuine interest
Jim Carrey said depression is your body telling you it's tired of playing a character
And I'm tired
My depression isn't sadness, it's exhaustion

Who were you before the world told you who you were
Think about what it is that you do most often, and imagine a life without it
Who are you outside of what you do?
That person, the one at my core, is who is tired of being put to the side for masks i'm forced to wear
Or people i'm forced to be
Versions of myself i have to put on to appease those around me
I'm not sad, I'm tired

There's so much more to life than what we're afforded sometimes
I look at the sky, and it reminds me there is always a part of the world I haven't reached
It reminds me there is always more

I dream about a life waking up
In an apartment somewhere warm
And as the sun creeps over the windows
The only sound I hear is nature
With slight rain
There are no cars, or people
There is a silence beyond quietness
And for a second - I feel completely alone on earth

I think, "what do I have to do today?"
And a feeling of relief flushes over me

Nothing at all