Lying to Myself

Spent like six years in the dark trying to build up the heart
Just to watch it all fall apart
Thought whatever and decided ima try it with material thats better
And thats where we are now
With like six CDs in my backlog
Beez in the Trap on the top of the tracks when i made my first record
Thought the worst and still got a little bit disappointed with the reception
I mean a lot
This shit is all i got
And all i ever got out of it was jack squat
Should have dealt drugs, was afraid of getting caught
Should have got a job being someone i'm not
Should have had the wits to quit
Or balls enough to stick with it
I cause a fuss and bitch and piss
Off everyone i'm friends with
Tell me how this ends, please
Will i end up broke or wealthy
I hope for fame and gold a-plenty
And pray i'll be making ends meet

And i'm lying to myself
Can't even sleep when i'm lying in bed
Start to think of all the time that i've spent
Or wasted
Sitting around getting wasted
And i'm lying to myself
My real life hasn't started yet
I'll be a real-ass artist once this starts to sell
But for now i'll just sit around and get wasted
And i'm lying in a hay field
Spaced out no idea if this is just a daydream
Whatever i'm just glad to be out of the basement
I drop my mask i am tired of faking
I'm fine my heart's just racing
I'll be alright in a bit

Feels like i'm floating
Hanging on your coattails
On the back of your bike
Smile
And sigh through my teeth
Breathe in too deep and start coughin'
These streets look awful tonight
No hope for my future but i hope for a home and a wife
A nice suburban life
Bittersweet shit about the good old days
These things feel awful to write
Don't go starting a fight you know you can't win
I spark a light and i grin
The world is turning from darkness to spring
Spring to summer
And i'm in a hurry
To finish this mixtape
Turn it in half finished at the last minute
Oversleep on my big day
And arrive on the stage with nothing prepared and still fuck with their brains
Whats that thing that the kids say?
I dunno cause im almost 26
Feel like ET when im lyin' in the ditch
And i'm crying in the shower cause i'm havin' a migraine
Hour after hour searing hot white pain
And the vomiting

And i'm lying to myself
Can't even sleep when i'm lying in bed
Start to think of all the time that i've spent
Or wasted
Sitting around getting wasted
And i'm lying to myself
My real life hasn't started yet
I'll be a real-ass artist once this starts to sell
But for now i'll just sit around and get wasted

And im lyin in the basement
Spaced out wondering just where the hell my brain went
I fainted and woke up a decade later
With the body of an old man and the mind of a teenager
Still writing songs in e major
But im finally gaining consciousness
And i'm smiling with confidence
No idea where all my self doubting went
But i'm not gonna go look for it
I'm 25 and i still can't cook for shit
Awkward i need someone else to book my gigs
And suck my dick
I'm trying to branch out, i'm shook to shit
I finally did it it just took a bit
Longer than i wanted to
Stronger than i used to be and wanted you to know it first
Feel like i'm about to burst
Maybe i'm no longer cursed
Search my heart for answers to questions i don't even know yet
Fuck it, i guess i'll just go home and sleep
I've been going for too long, just keep it brief
And i try too hard, this shit's not that deep
It's just honestly. and honestly?
I've been off this week, everything feels distant
Like i'm watching through a telescope
I try to pick myself up and be optimistic
But truthfully i've been having fading hope
There's no way i'll blow up soon, so i've been laying low
I've been playing slow, cause even if you don't have any
You still gotta let them fucking haters know