The Song of Many Words

Alright here is the story about the time
General Strike went on tour
Or the song of many words if you will
It wasn't going to be one of those long tours but one of those
Hardy-Har-Har tours, you know with girls and booze
And instead of limos and tour buses it was going to be a
Smashed up van
You know what I mean
So anyway, I'm sitting in my house watching infomercials
You know, one of those ones about girls gone wild or maybe
It was one of those ones about some breakthrough diet pills
That had some strange side effect like nausea or a third eye
Growing out of your ass.
You know I don't remember
Well anyway Shawn comes in and says
"Hey J. do you want to go on tour?"
And I'm all like "Psh Yeah."
So anyway, we hopped in the van went over and
Picked up Darrin and Mike and off we went down the sweet, sweet
Asphalt sea in our crappy little van
When all of a sudden Mike is like
"Yeah, but we don't have any instruments"
And I'm all like "aww shit."
So anyway, we had to go back to the garage and threw all
Of our guitars and drums in the van and off we went again
Our tour was strategically planned all over America
But a lot of the places were places where bands
Like us wouldn't play, but oh well
Anyway, the first show was at this place called
Greasy Eddie's Truck Stop
It kind of reminded you of one of those places
That if you looked behind the baseboard of the trough urinal you would
Expect to see Mickey Mouse dead with his hands down Goofy's pants
So anyway, we set up our stuff and we started rocking
And the truckers started throwing bottles
And rushing the stage and started punching our faces
And stomping our stomachs and kicking our asses
And taking us out back and laying us over picnic tables
And taking our clothes our clothes off
So as the truckers started taking turns on my bandmates a little song
Popped into my mind that I would later use for future reference and
Went a little like this
Oh my god, I didn't want to lose it on a picnic table
I didn't want to lose my A card period
God this really hurts
I can't believe this is happening
So anyway, the next morning we wake up
Next to the interstate with no van or instruments in sight
Hell, they even stole our tattoos
Well anyway we were trying to hitch a ride
And finally this rusted old van pulls up next to us and the door opens
And I think finally a way out of here
The guy that picked us up was named Melvin
He was missing one eye and smelled of gasoline and had a
Fetish for cottage cheese
He told us he had been in prison for burning
The genitalia off of 8-year-old boys with a Bic lighter
I told my bandmates, I said Hey where's your sense of adventure?
But he was an OK guy buying us beer across America
And showing us all the sights
And did I forget to mention that at one point
During our trip he stopped and shot three gas station
Attendants in the face?
Well anyway he drives us all the way to the big state of California
And we're thinking "Hey what a nice place we can
Get a big old fresh start here"
So, we go to different bars and finally we get a show
Opening up for this cool band called the Nun Fuckers
So were playing and everybody is having a good time and
As luck would have it
There turned out to be a record exec in the audience that night.
And who would have guessed it but General Strike got signed.
Yeah, we cut our album and it hit the charts at #302
We went on tour all over the world
We had our own jet, tour bus, astronauts
You fucking name it.
We toured Japan, Italy, Turkey, Antarctica
All over the fucking place.
One night we were sitting around just about ready to play
The Forum
When the bands all like
"Yeah, we should break up the band"
And I'm all like "you're going to, like
Totally destroy, like, what we
Created for eight years" and they were all like
"Yeah." And I'm like "oh, whatever"
So, we broke up and we didn't talk to each other
We went our separate ways
And we didn't talk to each other... for a whole week
And then we got back together again.
So, we figured the best thing for
Us to do would be to get
Out of the big town and record deals and booze
And just get everything and
Go small again and just go back to our home
So, we just loaded up what we
Could into our tour bus with our roadies
Groupies and astronauts
You didn't think we would forget about the
Astronauts, did you?
On the way back on the interstate some kid In front of the tour bus
Kept flipping off our driver and he got all mad and
Slammed the bus into the
Back of the kids' parents' car and it sent our
Tour bus over the edge of a ravine
And everybody died...
Except for us
So, we walked through the desert
For days and finally we reach a place called
The Valley of Death and we come
To a dark and mysterious figure standing on top of a cliff
And that figure's like
"Hey General Strike, I challenge you to duel."
Turns out this guy is the devil and we really are in
The Valley of Death
So, we accepted his challenge
So, he transported us to a hell dimension
And he said choose your poison
So, we choose bowling
You know, good thing for us our main man Shawn can bowl
It was one hell of a game but to make a long story short Shawn won
By like three so the devil gave us a golden fiddle
We were a little sad to leave but we had to go,
So he transported us back to the realm of Humans
Anyway, Mike ended up trading the fiddle for a beer
So, we ended up making it home. Even though Darrin got the plague
But we got antibiotics for that, and we all lived happily ever after
I forgot what I was even talking about. Oh well. You know the hippies
Have been hiding subliminal messages in everything since the 60s
I mean look at fucking Scooby Doo and tell me
That shit hasn't influenced the youth or what
So how many hippies does it take to change a light bulb?
"How many?"
They're not going to change a damn thing
Yeah, so I'm still here I guess
I guess we should quit this because the studio guy
Is probably getting upset
"Uh, you guys haven't paid for the last session yet
So, I think we need to get done."
Dude the check is in the mail
"Haven't gotten it."
Well, somebody mailed it
I put it in there Tuesday
"I looked today."
Mike mailed it. I don't see what the problem is
"I'm shutting it down; I'm shutting it down."
He shut it down
Yeah
Did you send the money or not?
Yeah, I think I did
You think?
I'm pretty sure
Yes, or no?
Alright maybe I forgot...
God Damn
Sorry
So, what's up?
Nothing
That's cool. I think we should go
Hey, he just turned out the lights
Whatever dude I'm done with this