Fright of Their Lives

Okay
Listen up, I'm not gonna lie
Right now, you couldn't frighten a fly
Or scare a seagull off of a fry
You ever stop to ask yourselves "Why?"

Both of you are super polite
Middle class, suburban, and white
Well, all of that is finished tonight
Except for the white part, obviously

Take your places
I want scary faces
Now go!
Bigger, further, harder
Not bad
Sever a head
Preferably someone you know
Look at me, I'm so scary

Don't be so vanilla
Would a little anger kill ya?
C'mon, drop your panties
I'm trying to fill you
With wisdom and skill
And the instinct to kill

Again, we do not want to kill anyone
Fine! But somehow, someway
You gotta make 'em see ya'
I'm talkin' jump scares
The jerky Japanese ghost-walk, plus
Learn to throw your voice
Fool your friends
Fun at parties
Now that is cool!
I wanna do that!

Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy
Raising the stakes by punching a baby
Scare 'em awake 'til they break
They'll be quaking in fright

'Cause you've got some evil deep down inside you
Put all the farmer's markets behind you
You've gotta work
Gotta haunt 'til it hurts through the night
And give those guys the fright of their lives
Yeah, yeah!

Let's start with things that you hate
Hate's a very strong word
Perhaps when people are late
Or getting pooped on by birds

No, what fills you with rage?
Being mean to a pet
Chefs who use too much sage when they make beurre noisette
Over-glutinous food
Or when kids call me "dude"
Oh, I find that so rude!

Well, there's lots there to use
Take a deep breath
And give me your best primal scream
Ah!
Barbara, that was brilliant!
Really?
Try it again
Maybe this time pretend like you mean it
Ah!
That was even better!
Thanks!

I want freedom
But to get my freedom I need them
To get a living person to say my name
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse?
I know that beggars can't be choosers
But do they have to be such losers?
Both of them are deathly dull and lame
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse

Why God, slash Satan, did you send these bed wetters?
Even, like, a tax attorney would've been better
Somebody with gravitas
Somebody to fear who

Excuse me, Mr. Betelgeuse
So, we can kind of hear you
Yeah?
Well, that was a soliloquy so you're the one who's being rude

Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy
Turn all the lights on
Dress like a baby
Adam, I don't even— no!
Get your heads in the game
Let's hide their phones

Screw their phones!
Ugh, these dopes are both hopeless
How will I ever survive?
Unless they get the fright of their lives (yes, yes, we're feelin' it, they're gonna feel it, we're killin' it!)
They gotta get the fright of their lives (we're scary, very, very, scary!)
They'll never get the fright of their lives (yeah!)