The Best Of Schemes

For one hundred pounds,
a lot though it sounds, the Channel I bet that I'd swim
I'm a rascal for sports so in my
little shorts, I turned up full of vim
I said to myself I'm fine, and the money's as good as mine
But the best of schemes will often
go wrong, they often go wrong with me

I jumped in the water, but it was all in vain
'Twas so cold and wet, I jumped out again
Although I froze, I said "here goes" and started good and strong
I swam for fourteen hours with the sea like a lake
I reached the other side and said "the money I'll take"
And then I found I'd swam the Serpentine by mistake
And another good scheme went wrong

I used to live swell at a hotel,
and there's a young lady stayed there too
So lovely was she I said "this is
me, and I'll have to see more of you"
Quite well with her I shaped, and she guessed I'd got something taped

But the best of schemes will often
go wrong, they often go wrong with me
She gave me the 'glad eye' as on the stairs we both passed
I said to myself "He, He! I've clicked at last"
I thought I'd bluff, the caveman stuff, my love was growing strong
That night I watched and waited till I heard her retire
Then crept along the landing in my scanty attire
But just as I got to her door the hotel caught fire
And another good scheme when wrong