Signs of a Douchebag - Live from Cap City Comedy Club, Austin, TX

If he wears sunglasses at night
And he talks like he's hood, but he's white
Like he thinks he's thug enough to drop the n-word
But the only thing he really dropped was college and moved back suburbs
And back in with his parents

If he then goes to Europe on his daddy's dime
But gets hammered at the Hard Rock Cafe the whole time
And constantly brags about the bitches he's fucked
And calls it getting his "nut off" or getting his "dick wet" or "sucked"
Well, it's really quite apparent

That's a red, red flag
That's a sign of a douchebag
That's your wake up call, he's not for you at all
That's a sign, that's a sign, that's a sign of a douchebag

If he yells "Jägerbombs!" when drinking
And starts a conversation by winking
And tells you he's in finance before he tells you his name
It's Chad, you didn't ask, but he'll tell you his salary all the same
I don't care about your portfolio, Chad!
If I was impressed by money, I wouldn't be trying to make a career in musical comedy

If, despite all his bragging about his bank account
He still tips the waitress a pathetic amount
Unless she's slamming: he only dates eights or higher
Yes, him in his Sperrys, salmon shorts, and nautical-themed attire
Though he's never sailed a boat

That's a red, red flag
That's a sign of a douchebag
If he's a pick-up-liner, doesn't care if you're a minor
Well, that's a sign, that's a sign, that's a sign of a douchebag

If he's emotionally dependent on college football
He knows the schedule, but heart but he still can't recall your birthday
How can you brush that aside?
He won't say I love you because he's too busy yelling, "Roll tide!"
He didn't even go to Alabama!

If he keeps the stickers on his flat-brimmed hats
And wears sleeveless shirts to show off his tribal tats
If he brags about how much he can lift at the gym
And swears every gay guy he meets is totally trying to fuck him
Well, you've gotta acknowledge

That's a red, red flag
That's a sign of a douchebag
Could you get any dumber? I mean, he drives a fucking hummer
And that's a sign, that's a sign, that's a sign of a douchebag

If you find yourself offended by this little song
It's because you've been a douchebag yourself all along

Then again, I did just spend the past three minutes
Shitting on a bunch of strangers based on stereotypes
For a whole other group of strangers for my own validation
So, if you really think about it

That's a red, red flag
That's a sign of a douchebag
So, keep your eyes peeled when you playing the field
And look out for the signs, for the signs, for the signs of a douchebag