The Whole "Being Dead" Thing

Hey, folks! Begging your pardon
'Scuse me, sorry to barge in
Now let's skip the tears and start on the whole
Y'know, "being dead" thing

You're doomed, enjoy the singing
The sword of Damocles is swinging
And if I hear your cell-phone ringing
I'll kill you myself
The whole "being dead" thing

Death can get a person stressed
"We should have carpe'd way more diems
Now we're never gonna see 'em"
I can show you what comes next
So don't be freaked
Stay in your seats
I do this bullshit, like, eight times a week
So just relax, you'll be fine
Drink your fifty-dollar wine
And take a breath

Welcome to a show about death

You're
You're gonna be fine
On the other side
Die! You're all gonna die!
You're all gonna die!
I'll, I'll be your guide
To the other side
Though in full disclosure
It's a show about death

Everybody gets on fine here
Like Rodgers, Hart, and Hammerstein here
The women's bathroom has no line here just
Pee where you want, the whole "being dead" thing
You're just gonna love the folks here
Yeah, I know you're woke, but you can take a joke here
And every show I do, like, a ton of coke here
The whole, the whole "being" dead thing!

Nobody is bullet-proof
"I work out, I eat clean!"
Jesus, pass the Dramamine
Time to face the brutal truth (Dies Irae)
'Cause we're all on a hit list
Might not live 'till Christmas
Choke to death on Triscuits
Hey, that just statistics

So take a little break here
Kinda like a wake here
The scenery is fake here
But there's a giant snake here

Welcome to a show about death!

You're, you're gonna be fine
Thank you!
On the other side
How you doin'?
Oh, not good!
I'll, I'll be your guide
To the other side
Seriously, though, this is a show about

Death is taboo, but it's hardly something new
There's nothing medical professionals can do
'Cept maybe just bill you
If you die while listening to this album
It's still gonna keep playing

There's no destiny or fate
Just a terrifying wait
Filled with people that you hate
And on a certain date, the universe kills you!

That's the thing with life
No one makes it out alive
Toss that body in the pit
"Gosh, it's awful, ain't it tragic?"
Blah, blah, "Bible Jesus" magic
When you're dead, who gives a shit?
"No pilates, no more yoga"
"Namaste", you freakin' posers

From the cradle to cremation (Dies Irae)
Death just needs a little conversation
I have mastered the art (Dies Irae)
Of tearing convention apart (Dies Irae)

So, how about we all make a start (Dies Irae)
On the whole "being dead" thing

God, I hope you're ready for a show about death!