Working Out

I'm wearing all black tonight
'Cause, uh, that's easier than working out, right?
By the way, these aren't skinny jeans
I'm just fat

Black, the magic of black
Wouldn't it be great if there was something that made people look in shape
Besides alcohol?
But that's what black is, it's the beer goggles of color
It's like, "You look great, have you lost weight?"
"Uh, I'm homeless and wearing a garbage bag"
Well, you look thin

You know what color I look really out of shape in, is a flesh color
It is brutal on me
My birthday suit needs more suit
But it's my fault, you know, I don't like to exercise, you know
I don't think a lot of us do

That's why there are personal trainers
You know, the person you pay to make you work out
At the place where you already pay to work out
Doesn't sound like a pyramid scheme to me at all
"You can also throw money right in the garbage
For a small fee"
I don't have a personal trainer
Really? That's a shock
You do that all yourself?

One time I joined a health club and I got a free personal trainer session
The guy's like, "Hey, why don't you tell me what your workout goals are?"
"Uh, to not work out"
Goals? I'm just here so I won't eat for an hour

Can we drop this charade? Why is your shirt so tight?
Is that part of the interview process?
"What are you, a medium? Here's an extra small"
"Now head out there and be condescending"

I feel sorry for the personal trainers that are out of shape
What's their approach?
"You should work out, I don't"
"You don't want to end up looking like me"
"My favorite machine's the vending machine"
"Hey, you want to go halfsies on a Snickers?"
"Those things are awesome"

I probably need a personal trainer
You know, I didn't work out today
That makes she's three decades
Occasionally, I will work out
And I'm one of those people, whenever I do work out, I immediately have grand plans

You know, "I'm going to work out every day"
Then the next day I'm like, "Well, not every day"
"I got to let my muscles breathe a little
I'll work out every other day"
Then the next day, I'm like, "I'm happy with the way I look
I don't want to get caught up in that beauty culture"

It's hard
It's hard to get motivated
It's hard to get to the gym
I actually live across the street from my health club
It's across the street
It's open 24 hours a day
Still can't get there

I knew I wasn't going to go
Even when I joined during that initial tour, they're like, "Here's where you can do sit-ups"
"Never going to happen"
"We have free weights"
"Too hard"
"We offer hot yoga"
"I'd watch"

I just tell myself I'm going to do that
Go in there and watch a hot yoga class
Bring a bag of potato chips
Not even in workout clothes
Dressed as Spider-Man
"Excuse me, sir"
"I'm auditing!"
"I might take this next semester, if I'm not too busy fighting crime"

It's hard to get motivated
You ever go to the gym and not work out?
You just kind of wander around, you're like
"Should I do the elliptical or the-
I gotta go"
Sure, I burned some calories putting this outfit on
Even when I am working out at the gym, I'm really just watching television

"I'm on the elliptical food network
I'm gonna eat that"
I'm pretending to hike up a mountain while I watch someone make a lasagna
That's like going to an AA meeting in a brewery
"Hi, I'm Jim, is that a keg over there?"

It's discouraging when you see how few calories you burned, right?
You're like, "50 calories?
What's that, like smelling a Big Mac?
Well, back to Iron Shaft"
Thank God for those televisions
You ever catch yourself watching someone else's television? You're like
You're not even on a piece of exercise equipment

"Uh, Are you waiting for this machine?"
"I'm just waiting for this show to end
They're making brownies"
"Can I grab a swig from your water bottle?
Brownies make me mad thirsty"

It's hard
I don't understand it
You know, here's something fun to do next time you have to wait for a treadmill
Just start jogging in place behind someone using one
Can I pass?
To the left, to the left
Everything you own in a box to the left
You just don't know about me

I don't understand the appeal of a lot of the exercise equipment
You know, like the StairMaster? How'd they ever sell one of those?
"Hey, you know, people love walking upstairs"
I'm pretty sure people hate walking upstairs
"Well, hear me out
These stairs are different
They never end"
"You never reach the next floor"
Well, what's appealing about that?

"Eventually you die
Then you don't gotta walk upstairs no more"
"Hey, can I also interest you in a bike that goes nowhere?"
"Why would you do this stuff for free when you can come in here and pay me to pretend to do it?"
"It's so simple"

I always feel like I go to the gym at the wrong time
You know, it's like packed
The only machine available is that one that simulates the gynecological exam
You know, the Sharon Stone machine, right?
Never see a guy on that, do you?
Occasionally there'll be a woman on there refusing to make eye contact with anyone

It was like, huh-huh-huh, huh-huh-huh, huh-huh-huh
'Cause there is no appropriate facial expression for this machine
You can't be like, "Yeah! Woo! That burns!"
You also can't act like it's too easy, huh? "This is nothing, I got the strongest crotch in the room"
"Not even feeling it, fellas"
Whenever there is a woman on that machine, there's always a creepy guy stretching nearby, just like
"Hey, what's going on?
Is today Friday or Saturday? I've been making so much money, I can't keep track"

There should be no talking to strangers at the gym
I'm always baffled when I'm working out and someone tries to talk to me
It's like, what's the logic? He's sweating, he's breathing hard, he's got headphones on
Seems like he wants to chat
"What are you listening to?"
"Oh, me? Instructions on how to kill you"
And some of the noises people make, like
Uh, do you mind? I'm trying to watch Dog the Bounty Hunter here
Why are you sweating? It's air-conditioned in here
You're the reason we have to wipe off these machines

Of course, the most annoying are those people in exceptionally good shape at the gym
I'm always like, "What are you doing here? You're done"
"What are you, rubbing it in?"
Luckily, there's always one or two people at the gym you look at and you're like, "Don't bother"
"You're wasting your time"
Then you realize it's just your reflection in the mirror
"Stay out"

I don't get the mirrors, you know?
I don't want to see myself working out
I know what I look like, that's why I'm going to the gym
Obviously, there's some people that do want that, right?
They're like, "If I'm going to be working out, I want to look at something like myself"
"I want to look at myself while I work on myself"

"I should do a recording so I can listen to myself while I look at myself while I work on myself"
"As I leaf through myself magazine"
"Read how myself can improve myself"
"Maybe I'll go to my Facebook page and look at photos of myself"
"Read what myself has written about myself"
"Yo soy muy importante"
"Myself"

Some health clubs have the exercise equipment facing windows
So in cities like New York and DC
You can be jogging on a treadmill as you gaze into the eyes of a homeless man
"I'm coming
He knows a good homeless man"