Miss U Constantly

Would you talk if I called?
All these solitary nights
Wondering where to go
So much is still unsolved
Yet I can't find the strength
To let it go

Where are you know
How have you been
Can we go back
I know what's done can't be undone but
But I miss u constantly

Trust is the issue
Trust has always been the issue
But I realize now that it's not only 'cause of others, it's because of me
And others that kinda brought me to this point
So many times I feel like it's not even worth trying to open up with someone
Because I'm gonna be deluded
There's a part of me that wants to, so bad, wants to enjoy
Everything, to have fun, to fall in love, to be happy
But then a part of me doesn't want to go through the whole healing process
Who said that love is good even if it's not mutual has had different experiences from me
It used to be like that, but not anymore, since I've lost all confidence in myself
Not confidence in my body, or my brain
I know who I am, and I know I'm ok
I've lost confidence in being enough for someone else
I've lost confidence in my positivity, in my value
In the belief that someone can actually love me back
I've lost confidence in love, which is the worst thing
'Cause I've always firmly believed in love
And now I start questioning if it was ever even
A thing, if it was ever even real
Because I can't recall those feelings anymore
I feel empty, and anger and sadness when things don't go well with the person I like
Are more 'cause of some kind of pride, than actual infatuation
My heart doesn't race anymore for a message, or a call, or a smile
It's like my body stopped reacting to the normal signs of someone caring for me
Or being attracted to me
It's like my body is numb
Maybe it's self-defense, I don't know
But the scary part is the questioning
Have I ever been in love?
And so as a projection, have the people I was with ever been in love with me?
And I'm afraid the idea that love is not a thing
And we don't need it, and we just made it up is taking shape in my mind
A billion times in my life I said that love is bullshit
But I never actually believed it! I'm afraid I'm giving up
And I'm afraid it might be true that it's not real
And that would mean that all my art, all my music
Is lies, fake, and that I've been looking and fighting
And being happy and suffering for nothing, for a ghost!
But that unreal ghost has messed up my whole idea of myself for real
And this is even scarier