French Cheese

When I was in Europe, I tried all the local specialties, you know
Norway, I tried reindeer meat
I was in a Norwegian butcher shop in January
And they had a sale on reindeer meat
And nothing says Christmas season is over
Quite like a sale on reindeer meat

It's got to be a tough day for Santa
"I want to thank all you reindeer who helped this Christmas
Great job
Now, when I call your name
Come with me into the smokehouse"

In France, I ate so much cheese
So much delicious French cheese
And I feel like I'm still digesting it
My delicate American body couldn't handle the French cheese
And it's not like I don't eat cheese
Most of you are looking at me like
"We think you eat cheese
We think you might only eat cheese"

But the French, they eat cheese on a whole other level
In France, they make eating cheese an official course of the meal
So you'll eat an appetizer, then you'll eat an entree
Then for no reason at all, you eat a bunch of chunks of cheese
Then you eat dessert
After that, you go to the hospital

And of course, I've eaten chunks of cheese before
Just not in public
Or with pants on
Eating chunks of cheese, that's something I'm usually caught doing
For example, "What the hell are you doing?
Nothing, honey! Hey!"

I remember the first time I had the cheese course
I'd eaten an appetizer
I'd eaten my entrée
And I started eating the cheese course
And I heard my heart say
"Are you mad at me?
Did I do something to anger you?"
My brain took over
"It's all right, it's all right, there's gonna be some sweating
If I was you, I could take a couple weeks off
Appendix get ready to blow"

Tried so many delicious French cheeses
And I couldn't tell you the name of one of them
And they would tell me the names, like
"This is Jean, Jean, Jean
From the Jean, Jean, Jean region"
I'll be like
"So not cheddar?
'Cause I tried cheddar
You guys get cheddar over here yet?
I like me some cheddar"

Some of the French cheeses I tried were goat cheese
Or as the goats call it, cheese
They're not caught up in your cow cheese bias
You know, when I see cheese
I don't even see an animal
I just see something my body can't process

I like goat cheese
I've never looked at a goat and thought
"I bet that would make good cheese"
How do we even get to the point of goat cheese with someone, "This cow cheese is good
But see that dog that looks like it smokes meth?"
"Can someone try and milk it?
I gotta hunt you a meth cheese that would go great with beef"

Those Europeans, they have a different approach to dairy
When they make a sandwich in Europe
They put butter on the bread
They put butter on the bread and then mayonnaise, ah
It's like putting on contacts and glasses

Butter on the bread of a sandwich
That actually sounds like something Americans would do that Europeans would criticize us for
"Those American pigs, when they make a sandwich, they put butter on the bread
No wonder they fat pig"
That's a good impression of absolutely every European