Elegy

I made promises to keep the vibes positive
And obviously don't wanna slip
But also want to offer this knowledge that I've recently gained
I felt this beat could retain
Enough bitter sweet to help me reach in my brain
Long and short is, I've bin a ghost since my Dad's diagnosis
It wasn't something that I had to try and cope with
He forgot a few things but on the most it
Just seemed like old age, loss of focus, nothing hopeless
A man of his doubts, stopped doing the family accounts
Which was only weird cos his maths was renowned
And if his patience had have run out he'da handed it down
So it was difficult to see if he had planned it all out
And this was like three years after he'd coached me to a first in maths
I saw Uni as a worthless task, but he took the work on stats
Re-learned that crap, and helped me understand it so I got my first year passed
So 09 he was sharp enough to teach at degree level
By 2012 basic finance seemed dreadful
And a man who read several books in a month
Was struggling to remember and retain characters, plots and that stuff
A turning point came when he was admitted to hospital
Complaining of severe pain, abdominal
They couldn't find a problem but he was often confused and unsure
Convinced people were plotting against him on the ward
And when he got home he was normal for a bit, nothing, much differed
Though he stopped cooking, he'd still do the dishes
And listen to the radio or read a magazine
Or faff around with a computer game he loved an RPG
My Mum decided they should move while he was still with it
So they up sticks and move in with my sister, till they could finish
On a purchase of a house if you know where Nantwich is
Down-sizing and near family has its advantages
And I'd take a trip from Yorkshire on a weekend
He could definitely see sense
We watched Saturday's Match of the Day and we'd then
Head out to walk Herbie by the river
Go through the town and by the church and back in time for dinner
This lasted a year and a bit, until times when he would just sit
Watch the football, just staring at it
Repeated questions that didn't need answering
And didn't really know who was playing or what was happening
I remember the last sense he made about football was complaining
That people always try to take a shot from outside the box
But Alzheimer's was having its way with him... his profound mind was fog
And... I was lost
Dealt with it by not dealing with it, not talking to no-one
Me and Ange argued daily, could have lost her and so on
I'd take something out of context, make myself the victim
Hate myself and kicked in the door to my kitchen
No patience, people came for band practice and such
And I'd be madder than fuck, acting up, getting aggy and stuff
People asking for favours would make me angry enough
To shout at em, you called with questions I would hang up
I tried to cure this disease I tried to cure it with sleep
I tried to cure it with drinking, I tried to cure it with weed
And it was only time and writing music that got me through this
I apologised for being like it they said "don't be stupid"
And now I'm avoiding seeing him, cos it does me no good
My Mum called me a coward, it was justified but
He's safe in a care home, he's being well looked after
And doesn't know who I am, and I don't want him to have to
But seeing him in that state, I don't want the lasting image
I don't want to remember that, I want the mathematician
The man who introduced me to jazz and Bradford City
Who nurtured my interest in rap and played Madden with me
He wasn't perfect and neither am I
Last time I saw him I looked him in the eye
And wished he would just die
He's not suffering but he has no need for his life
His brain's in pieces that he cannot find
And the only thing he still seems to enjoy is eating at night
At least he did until they couldn't feed him alright
And he managed 5 days without a drink or even a bite
And after that he seemed to peacefully die