Scrumpy's Ballad

We are
Back!
It's your boy!
We're back here in London once more!
North West, what?!
South East, fuck yeah!
You think we got Wetherspoons?
We got Wether-forks, motherfucker!
Oh my god!
You been Thatcham?
No one has!
Oh who's callin' me bro, what the fuck?

BRO!
Last week I had the maddest shubs at my house,
Two people got passed out,
One person done up my sofa again,
What the fuck!
Dragon soop better fuck the motherfuckers up,
What!
Linus has joined the room!
We're here, today, Dylan's house,
Soop Sessions 2.0!
Motherfuckers, Catherine is confused!
Your boy is back,
Estella is in the motherfucking room!

Boys, we're here!
I've used the divorce and redundancy money
To throw the biggest party
In the motherfucking world!
The wife left me,
Took both kids,
And my dog!
Bruv! Let's get fucked up right now!
I can't afford xannies,
So I'm only drinking scrumpies!
But that's bless,
Because if you can't afford xannies scrump -
Ah fuck!

Boys, it's only gone and happened again.
My seventeenth wife has left me,
So in the words of my idol -
DJ KHALED -
Another one!
Ladies, you get into my event,
FOR FREE!
Bruv! Come marry me fam! Honestly!

G-g-g-grown up pick and mix,
B-b-b-beheaded,
s-s-survived,
Oh what's the other one?
Who cares?
Henry the 8th? My man!
Knows what's going on with his wife-tings bruv.

In times like these when man got don't no wife,
Your boy goes by this motto;
Don't drink - no!

Bruv!
In hard times like these when man don't got no wife,
Your boy goes by this fucking motto;
No thinking, only drinking!
Let's fucking get it boys!

I'm having the time of my life,
However, your boy's partying too hard.
Man lost my wallet which had my
redundancy cheque in,
which means basically,
I'm a homeless motherfucker now!
But who cares, because I can hear music
from outside the club in my box,
which is my home,
Kids, please come home -
PLEASE!
It's bless though,
Cause your boy got central heating bruv.
Oh fuck.

We are back!