Belief

Through all of my life
I waver back and forth between
A belief and not
Believing in anything
In any solid shape
The unfettered mind
A deeper understanding that holds nothing
That lets sounds come in the ear
And just pass through without deciding what it was
If it was a jet or a dragon
It was merely a sound without a name or a picture
It was every possible thing at once

I barely ever get to be in this state
Just quick flashes by surprise
When I'm like standing by a car
Squinting my eyes
Caught off guard and unpicturesque
I used to sing this one song all the time
That I made up to try to cut through
When I'd find myself caught up
Entranced in certainty
Staring at a hill
And it went:
"Let's get out of the romance"
Over and over
"Let's get out of the romance"
"Please can I go through this life
unscared to see that nothing stays the same"
"No one knows anything."

When I was younger and didn't know
I used to walk around basically begging the sky
For some calamity to challenge my foundation
When I was young
So imagine what it was like to watch up close a loved one die
And then look into the pit
I lived on the edge of it
And had to stay there
Joanne Kyger said:
"We fight incredibly through a hideous mishmash of inheritance
Forgiving for deeper stamina
That we go on
The world always goes on
Breaking us with its changes
Until our form, exhausted, runs true."

Out of nowhere love returned
I saw what looked like a god who walks among us
I met her, we fell so in love
She is angelic, miraculous, I totally lost my mind
And poured everything into this sea, this ocean
And when I came to I saw my face in a store window's reflection
And there was fear behind those eyes
Now I'm back where I was when I was 20
Trying to stop clinging to a dream
And let an old idea of love dissipate
Back into formless rolling waves
Of discomfort and uncertainty
The true state of all things
I want to wade out into dark water
Hand in hand with you
I played this song for you and all you heard were the words
"Discomfort and uncertainty"
You asked "How do we get back to how it was?"
And that's when I started to know
That I might be in it alone
Devoted to an unknown
Homelessness enthroned
Us and the kids all wind-blown
Courageous as bone
Lying down in a storm
Steadfast, newborn
A house with no door
Exhausted form
In your eyes I found home
I believed you and dove
And oh my god
When we swam together for a little bit