Paradigm

You know, this is a true story

In high school, I was not a regular student
I was one that all the counselors begged to be prudent
A well known truant, I'd bounce from the session like "screw it"
And establish a reputation as a negative influence
Better get to moving, you'll never amount to nothing
If you're mouthing off and fuckin' around when you should be studying
I cared about nobody including myself
Just troubling all of the other kids with my troubles as they were bubbling
Shedding that blood again, better laugh when they're asking me
If I made it to class or if I actually passed with a C
I'd ask pretty please for an A, they'd say you have to be kidding me
'cause I bent the rules like plastic elasticity
A lot of cats sat back, they wasn't saying shit
When I was staying there I made it clear I fucking hated it
My mother was unaware her son was very jaded quick
But ain't nobody care and I needed a way to escape the shit
And so I ran away, every damn day
I was shirking work with a plan to play
I got suspensions for skipping on my detentions
'till I was essentially serving a sentence they demanded I pay
I thought it was clear to me
I hated everyone, when in fact, that was merely
A reflection of my own personal insecurities
And a direct manifestation of the hurt and fear in me
And if you look back, honestly it's sad to see
It's like my life had gone from comedy to tragedy
I told myself there wasn't a soul in Hell as mad as me
And that being alone was the only way to live happily
And that's a load of crap, although I traveled all alone
I was burdened, trapped by the certain fact I was on my own
Then when I returned to the cul-de-sac that I called my home
I was hurting bad but I learned to cap it inside the dome
But if you were to ask I'd laugh it off and doubt it
Mostly for the fact the past had hurt too bad to talk about it
I'd learn to act like I was happy when I was actually
Mad exasperated and found that it was all confounded
I was a kid then, just tryna fit in
With a clique that I couldn't get in
Would it have made a difference if I coulda been let in,
Among the names of these faces that I'm already forgetting?
Or would it have been a detriment and a bit of a limit,
To my existence so life would look different every minute within it?
Whether it did or it didn't
I still remember the very beginning, standing there in the distance

Smoking bogies like the older kids but wasn't feeling bigger yet
I'd sneak away from classes just to have another cigarette
Casually come back in acting like I hadn't had a pack
Inside my jacket with some crap imagined 'case they figured it
Outside, I was about my free time
That's why I'd make a beeline straight to the tree line behind
The parking lot's green wall, like "Everything will be fine"
Hoping nobody saw me walking in the meantime
I took my pimp ass to gym class
And I was smoking brick hash up in the ceiling rafters getting whiplash
Feeling that afterwards I'd have to turn and dip fast
So that no bastard learned about me burning half the big stash
And it was plain to see
That Mary Jane had seemed to be taking away the pain in me
At least I stated it every day and I'd make believe
That vaping weed replaced the complacency taking place in me
Like choking on smoke would maybe fill the vacancy
That stayed concealed away while I'm waiting for healing patiently
I hated feeling the latent anger awakening
And so I'd smoke my dome to a coma until my brain could sleep
It's clearly a crooked, morbid tune
When sleeping is the only thing you're really looking forward to
You sport a blue aura like "What am I supposed to do?"
Feeling like you're dirt and hurting everybody close to you
I was so confused, battered and tattered and worn
Every day I drank up out a chalice of malice and scorn
I'd wonder why I had to blindly abide
By a society in which I never actually asked to be born
And they detested me
That's why my first day of senior year they arrested me
They made it clear they hated me in the way they would talk
And so I had to walk with security guards next to me
I was especially perplexed they expected me
To present my best behavior when school brought out the worst in me
The biggest test for me wasn't answering questions
And the lessons that I learned had nothing to do with the courses, see?
Yes it was torturous staying where I was forced to be
And my distorted dreams made me feel what a pain it'd bring
But if I'm being real, all the pain that I'd see and feel
Was just for me to build who I am, and I wouldn't change a thing
Self-neglect turned to self-respect
I discovered love for myself and the rest had fell in check
When I discarded all the weight off of my swelling neck
I saw the cards of fate, and I started with quite the telling deck
So now the geeky kid
From Coginchaug gon' climb to the top whether or not you believe in him
A lot of kids went from mocking the class comedian
To dropping jaws after they popping his CD in
Gambit