I'm Sorry

Yeah, I'm such a fucked up mess
I wish I wasn't bound down by anxiety and stress
It's like a war in my mind, an unwinnable game of chess
The way my life's turned out I know that God will never bless me
And every Goddamn day there's just something else to test me
I don't live in the gym but there's always a weight on my chest, pressing
I fucked up a brotherhood and can never get that back
I'm sorry homie we're both paying cause I fucked up and cracked
I never meant to hurt you, or ruin your life
I still think about my fuckups every sleepless night
And I'm sorry bro for all those petty fights
I never meant to degrade you or cut you down like a knife
I hate to admit it, but lately I've considered ending my life
Holding my arm tight as I start to press the knife
Then I think about the pain I'd cause my family, all the strife
Damn
And I'm sorry little sis, for ever scaring you
I just hope you know no matter what I'll always care for you
And if you ever need anything I swear I'm here for you
I've sat in the dark with a loaded gun to my head
But I wasn't sure if I would be completely dead
Or if the grim reaper would reject me, leave me conscious on my bed
And my family have to care for me forever as a veg

I just don't know what I'm doing anymore
As I sit and bawl my eyes out, tears and snot on the floor
I'm at a crossroads in my life, scared to open any door
So I just sit here all alone writing songs in my car
I'm in the movie theater parking lot, didn't know where else to go
Maybe back to my alcoholic days, get the jack out the drawer
And see my life in slo-mo, I'm not in the mood to go pick up some random hoe
I don't expect to ever be happy or glad
I just reminisce and think about what I once had
A group of friends like brothers
A girl who was honest and didn't have secrets to cover
A family who was proud of me, but now I'm such a different me
What's the cause of this pain in me
It's too much to explain you see
But now I know I can't get rid of it until my dying day
So I'll sit back, close my eyes and in my head replay
All the happy memories, as kids on summer days
We play and run, had so much fun, but now all that is done
So I sit here with this loaded gun, asking myself where it all went wrong
Started back in two thousand eleven, that's when I started withdrawing
Depression started setting in, I was thirteen, just so young
Now I sit and write and spit and try to express myself through a song
I'm fucking shit up daily, wrecking shit like King Kong

Why? How? When?
I'm trynna move on but this ice is fucking thin
I know I'm twenty one now, I'm supposed to be a man
But every time I've had a problem I just took off and ran
I'd never wish this shit upon my worst enemy
Or the backstabbers who used to be friends to me
Can't even see my phone to write, I'm trynna read these lyrics with these tears in my eyes
I bottle up my emotions and I hardly ever cry
But I've been pushed to the edge and I don't know how to reply
Life is fucking cruel and I'm just a normal guy
I need to pause and take a breath, just calm down and sigh
Maybe one or two of you know just how I feel
This ain't a damn front, this shit is fucking real
I see my life passing by while I'm afraid and sit still
All I've got left is the power of my will
I'm not gonna die tonight, I'll live to see another day
To wake up, see my little sister, look her in the eyes and say
I love you so much and I swear I'm here to stay
Listen people, hey don't give up hope, I swear there is a way to make it
Your life is precious, don't you ever take it
So many people take the easy way out
It may be easy for you to get rid of pain and doubt
Hey listen to what I'm saying, don't sit on your ass and pout
You can make it, don't mistake it, I know it's not an easy route
I still get pissed and flip my shit, feel overwhelmed, throw a fit, punch the wall and fucking shout
But that shit don't help, it shouldn't be what I'm about
I'm just a lonely guy, I isolate myself
If you feel the same then come with me, we're not part of the crowd
I'm sorry to everyone I ever failed, I'm sorry that I've been overcome with pain and doubt
Mom and Dad, I hope you love me know matter what I've done
I'm living in a war that'll never be won
But how much more will be lost before it's understood
That I should end this now by just putting down the gun and saying
I'm sorry