Free

My regrets
Ran deeper than the sheets
I'd been crawling in
And held me tighter
Than the smoke
Swirling in my lungs
Was this love
Or just a contact buzz
Either way
I pushed you away
I knew I wasn't good enough
I knew I had gone too far
To ever come back again

But
Despite what I thought I knew
Your love came banging
All the while
Gently beckoning
Let me in
Let me in
And still I ran
Ran to the arms of
Another man
I didn't know it at the time
But what I was doing
Should have been
Considered a crime
Trying to replace your love
With a counterfeit
Trying to replace your love
Because I felt
Unfit
Unworthy
Undeserving
Unlovable

So I settled
For anything
Other than even second best

My regrets
Fashioned themselves
Around my throat
Like the vines of deceit often do
Silencing my cry
Convincing me it was too late to Run after you

And like a dog
Returning to its own vomit
So was I
Continually chasing after
The things that would only
Temporarily fill me inside

Then the night came
That night
With those words
Those words
Forever scribing themselves
Inside in my mind
Twisting around
My every thought
Seducing my conscience
Until, together, they would Perpetrate a lie
Those words
"I'm not letting you leave
Because no one else will ever love you."

Those are the words
That paraded
Through my head
That night
With my vices in bottles
Tucked beside my bed
And by the ripe old age of 16
I had heard it said
Blessed be your name
For you give and take away
But if my name wasn't
On that short list
Then I would surely
See it to the grave

My regrets
Had swallowed me whole
Brokenness was my name
And self-medicating my identity
All of this buried
Beneath my mask
And wrapped in a
Man-made fragility
Even still you had a plan for me
For me
A plan for beauty
In exchange for my wretchedness
A plan for freedom
In exchange for the captivity
I had placed myself in
And then you spoke
Calming these trembling hands Who'd set out with a Judas plan
And reviving my soul
You spoke
It doesn't matter if any man
Ever can or will love you
Because I love you

How could this be
That the same God
I had forsaken
And turned my back on
Came chasing after me
From highs of varying kinds
And fleshly desires
Eroding into mental torment
And self hate
I chose to submerse myself in Everything but you
Yet there you were
In the darkness of my will
Shedding the
Sweetness of your light
Holding me at my weakest
Letting me rest in your might
Then you whispered
You
Are
Free