Oh Darling the Darkness

Oh darling the darkness drops onto this shimmering cold
But I'm here and no incurable shiver or shake will ever break my hold
Not even a bitter night beneath the moon bright could render me frozen
While this love for you burns uncontrolled

But what has death done
And why is it unbroken
And are you still able to hear the voice of your father from that faraway forever
Because I've been shouting and screaming and suffering and scheming
In search of a spell that will spark your scenes alive

Now I speak with a pale-lipped tremor
Because I've been too long alive inside this madness of missing what I've made
And I've got a headful of scribbled pages
Because everyday sketches a new sadness and it's all the same shade
A dark cut from the darkest darkness
Darker still when you witness wonder etched inside
Scattering smoke rising from the last snap-crackle of flames
Glowing over an entire age of missed moments
I guess I've been trying to melt those memories for months
But frost forms around every misplaced dream now they are frozen and found
Maybe I've grown weary from the weight of remembering
But I can't wash away the wonder of her whispered life

Because I can still feel the coming rush of her smile
And that first spoken I love you
And those heart swells and heart aches and every sound the heart makes
When it breaks beneath the weight of a love it cannot comprehend
Come alive
Alive
Let me tinker with time so I can rewind, pause, then play it all again
Before suffering scratches every scene
Stirring me to search the beginning for the end

You created these shoulders knowing I couldn't withstand the weight
So don't blame me for the brokenness I bring into every breath

It's been ten years and I still feel those tears tangling the breath of my lungs
I still see the swirling blood and I still hear the pleading of a thousand tongues
I feel every shiver
Every shake
All this cold I can't take and I've yet to be told how to beat on against this blizzard
While being borne back ceaselessly into a past where she is present
And the future
Oh darling this darkness
She said, she's not here but she's being formed inside forever
And we will sing to her soon
But I need to her now
And what has death done to me
And why is it unbroken
And are you still able to see the face of your father from that faraway forever

I wept for friends to gather and give me stories of a hopeful tomorrow
Instead I gathered their silence and sympathy and shaped it into sorrow
And rage
And riots
And a routine racked with regret at the fiction
That I could have fashioned a more favorable outcome
If I would have just prayed more
Praised more
Participated or paid more
Even a mustard seed would have moved a mountain
He said, but I swallowed the seed and became a fountain of doubt instead
Fluid with questions like
Wasn't it you who wept with every answer then raised the dead
So why did you turn your back
Why even give me a glimpse of such goodness
When you always knew you were going to turn that perfection into black
Since then, I've been blindly stepping through the brush in search of the bloom
But anytime I manage to escape the grief I always seem to circle back

You created these shoulders knowing I couldn't withstand the weight
So don't blame me for the brokenness I bring into every breath

My son
Your darling knows no darkness because she's alive inside forever
I promise you will sing to her soon
And I can't wait to see your heart swell and heart ache
And hear every sound your heart makes
When it breaks against the weight of a love it cannot comprehend
She's alive inside forever and you'll see her again
Just hold on, son, and let my grace carry you until then