Three Point One Four

My last girlfriend didn't like me
Thought she might be most likely a dyke
She just didn't excite me
Lefty? Yeah, but that was all right
She was hotter than the sun but she just wasn't that bright

My mistake, she was more flaky than a leper colony
I think a wooden clothespin would have been much better company
Ass like a donkey actin' funky
Gave her L, now she's a flunky
So my love for her died quicker than a batch of Sea Monkeys

Early bird gets the worm
Spread your legs or spread the word
So what if I'm not the smartest peanut in the turd?
I'm white, which goes with everything
But I can come in any color
And I'm looking for the kind of girl that reminds me of my mother

But it's hard to find a girl with a viper tattooed on her tushy
And how many girls do you know
That can play the harmonica with their pussies?
Like 'em easy and hot and sweet
Like a Rice Krispie Treat, G

You know what I really want in a girl? Me

I need to find a new vagina
Any kind of new vagina
It's hard to rhyme a word like vagina
Calvin Klein? Kind of
North Carolina

Women are like dog doo
Hear me through, don't interrupt
It's just the older that they are, the easier they get to pick up
I'd fill the generation gap
Clean the cobwebs from her rafters
Old hens would rather put out than be put out to the pasture

No age just ain't a gauge
I like my girls like my cheese
Preferably for me, fat-free American singles only
I want my next chick anorexic
The winner is the thinner
Won't have to take her skinny ass out to a fancy dinner
Like Sizzler

She got a beef, we'll chew the fat
If I forget to put the seat up I can put up with her crap
Let her lash out and crack the whip
But not in bed, I don't play rough
No, I can't be tied down with a girl that wants me tied up

Just independent like NOFX
Smart like Janeane Garofalo
She'd use big words to make fun of me so that I would never know
Bestow upon me all her wisdom of the Dewey Decimal System, G

You know what I really want in a girl? Me

I need to find a new vagina
Any kind of new vagina
It's hard to rhyme a word like vagina
Kevin Kline? Kind of
South Carolina

Vagina
Vagina
Vagina
Vagina

Vagina
Vagina
Vagina
Vagina