I've Not Been Dping Too Well

I've started crossing the road with my eyes shut again
I'll take that as a sign that I'm not doing too well
I've started smoking again, trying not to put them out on my arm
There's already so much smoke in my chest
And fire in my lungs
So what's another one?

I haven't breathed easy for a while now
The cold keeps sleeping in
And I'm struggling to keep warm
Even on summer evenings

I've not been doing too well

I've been drinking again, making myself more unwell
It numbs the pain and helps for a little while
There's already so much scarring on my liver
And pain in my chest
So what's another one?

Wishing I'd disappear in this cloud of smoke
That covers my face
Because I don't recognise myself when I'm not self-destructing
It's all I've known, for so long and happiness has never been a friend of mine

I won't reach out because I'm sick of being a tornado, destroying everyone in my path
I don't mean to but I'm a bomb that's meant to go off
And everything will be better when it finally does